Les Miserables, Jekyll and Hyde, and Phantom of the Opera Get Therapy
by Lone-Soprano-Of-Sopranoland
Summary: Les Miserables, Jekyll and Hyde, and Phantom of the Opera are the best musicals of all time. But what do they all have in common? They all needed some serious therapy. And now they get some non-serious therapy, from me, an 8th grader, plus some guildlines in dealing with them. NO FLAMES! Please R&R. Rated T for my randomness...
1. Chapter 1

**Hiii! This is my first funny fanfiction, and 1st fanfiction ever so cut me some slack. Partially based on a dream I had, and my awesome cousin Christabelle in Kenya**

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(A courthouse full of the 25 anniversary cast of Phantom of The Opera, the Les Mis movie cast, and Jekyll and Hyde 2001 cast, except Constantine is J/H. They are all in chains surrounded by phangirls, fangirls and reporters.)

Everyone in Chains: LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! DONT LOOK 'EM IN THE EYE! LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! YOUR HERE UNTIL YOU DDDDIIIIEEEE-

Judge: SHUT UP!

(silence)

Judge: (points and the Phantom/Erik)

Phangirls: SCREEAAMM! WE LOVE YOU ERIK!

Judge: SHUT UP! (calms down temporarily) you dropped a chandelier on a crowd of people...

Erik: Was an accident...sort of

Judge: (rolls his eyes, and points at Christine who is shaking and looking at the ceiling) You don't seem mentally stable...

Christine: (at the ceiling) HE'S THERE! THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! BEWARE TH-

Meg: SHUT UP, WOMAN, AND STOP STEALING MY SONGS!

Erik: I'm right here...

Judge: (covers his face with his hands, and points to Raoul) Raoul is a fop with girly hair he's overly attached to...

Raoul: HEY! DON'T INSULT MIRANDA!

Judge: Who the heck is Miranda?

Raoul: (touches hair) the angel on my head.

Christine: I though that was me.

Raoul: You come second.

Judge: And I though she had problems...

Raoul: what?

Judge: Nothing...Anyways...Onto Les Mis...God this is going to take a while...Prisioner 24601...

Jean Valjean: MY NAME IS JEAN VALJEA-

Judge: I KNOW YOUR NAME! EVERYONE DOES! SO SHUT THE HECK UP!

Jean Valjean: Okay! Jeez...man. I've already been in jail for 19 years...

Judge: You need to stop being so nice...(points to Javert) Get a life...and stop stalking Jean...

Javert: NEVER! MEN LIKE HIM WILL NEVER CHA-

(gets electrocuted by me)

Jean and Judge: Thank you! he was getting annoying.

Me/Authoress: Continue with the insults.

Judge: (grumbling, and looking at Cosette) No one likes you...

Raoul: Is all that's happening just insults and no actual trial?

Emma: Wow... they call you a fop for a reason...

Cosette: There's nothing wrong with me! I'm pretty, privelged and have a beautifully high voice. (Demostrates by hitting a really high note. Everyone except Erik, Christine, Emma, Jean and me writhe on the ground. Windows shatter.)

Erik: She's singing to bring down the chandeli-

Judge: SHUT UP!

(Silence)

Me: Cosette, its Les Mis. No one has a happy ending except you and your fopular boyfriend, who hires people to stalk you...

Marius: I'M NOT A FOP!

Raoul: Join the club.

Me: (To Raoul) You couldn't remember to keep your hands at the level of your frickin' eyes, man, even though they told you like 7 times! (To Marius) What part of On my Own did you not get?

Erik, Eponine, Meg, and Madame Giry: PREACH IT!

Judge: (eye twitch) Fantine, you were a prostitute...

Fantine, Lucy and other whores: THE HEAT IS ON IN SAIGON! AND WE ARE HOTTER THAN HEL-

Miss Saigon cast: STOP STEALING OUR SONG!

Me: How would you even know that song...its like 100 years before you...but your also trapped in 2013, soo...

Judge: Barricade boys!

(All step up in chains)

Judge: I don't know all of you so...red vest (points to Enjolras) are overly obsessed with Patria..

Fangirls: ENJOLRAS! WE LUVV YOU!

Enjolras: PATRIA!

Judge: (Points at Granatire) you're a drunk...

Granatire: Hiccups

Judge: (points at Joly) your a germ freak

Joly: (spazzes) Germs! WHERE?

Judge: (eye-roll) Bossuet, your bald

Bossuet: (looks at Raoul) not for long.

Judge: Jehan, your pair with almost all the barricade boys at one point...

Jehan: IM NOT GAY!

Judge: Comberferre is a player

Comberferre: (stares at Lucy, who slaps him)

Lucy: I BELONG TO JEKYLL!

Me: Technically, you belong to Hyde, actually...

Lucy: (Death glare at the Judge)

Judge: Man, no wonder you all died...Gavroche-

Gavroche: S'up.

Judge: You act like an American ghetto child...

Gavroche: Dat isn't true, yo!

Thenardiers: We failed at raising all you children...

Judge: Speaking of you both, are the biggest cons in all of France, and awful fakers.

Thenardiers: MASTER OF TEH HOUSE! ISNT WORTH ME SPIT-

Random person from Jekyll and Hyde: LANGUAGE!

Judge:...onto Jekyll and Hyde then...

Judge: Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, both have about seven life sentences...

Hyde: Last time I counted, it was nine

Jekyll: Shut up!

Me: this is too weird..

Emma: You have no idea...

Judge: And are a drug addict, a playe- wow, the list is long. Lets just skip to Lucy since Emma seems in the clear...

Emma: (smiles)

Judge: Lucy, you are a prostitute

Lucy: WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO HAVE A NEW LIFE!

Fangirls and me: WE LOVE YOU, LUCY!

Judge: Utterson and Danvers need to stop being drama queens

Utterson and Danvers: We are not!

Judge: Sure... And the Board of Govenors, finally almost done... All had it coming, and were too stupid to see that Jekyll and Hyde had the same face.

Board of Governers: HEY!

Judge: So if were through with everyone, then onto your sentences. Some of you didn't do much, while some of you deserve a couple life sentences, and _you know who you are._ but instead of putting you in jail, we will put you in therapy with my daughter.

Everyone: WHAT!

Me: And i'm your therapist!

Erik: Your like 13!

Me: I'm 14 actually.

Hyde: You look like Phyllis Wheatley... or Utterson's kid...

Me: I'll take that as a compliment.

Hyde: Its not.

Me: (Death glare)

Erik: Wait so lemme get this straight. We are all getting therapy from a 12 year old African girl, who is supposed to change us?

Me: I'll be staying with all you guys too!

Erik:...

Me: This is going to be supper fun!

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**So whaddaya think? Hope you enjoy! Please R&R!1**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two is up! Some Characters will show up some chapters. Some won't. Thank you all for reviewing! Thank you creative one for your comment. I always get the barricade boys confused**

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_Class One: on anger management:_

(Inside the phantom's lair, underneath the Opera House)

Hyde: But I don't want to!

Jekyll: We're going to fix you!

Hyde: There's nothing to fix. I'm perfect!

Lucy: Trust me, your not.

Emma: Look whose talking...

Lucy: (Death Glare)

(Erik walks in, with a toothbrush in his mouth)

Erik: What the heck are you people doing in my house!

Me: I let them in.

Erik: How did you get in here?

Me: Through Christine's mirror. And I have a key. Everybody knows that.

Erik: What?

Me: The little gondala boat on the lake helped out too. We had to make three trips, in that heavy hunk of wood. You must've had lungs of steel to be able to sing to Christine while paddling that thing! My arms are totaled! BOB you need to lose some serious weight! I just threw Beaconsfield overboard...

Bishop of Baringstroke: Don't call me bob.

Me: Shut up, pedo.

Beaconsfield: So help me, God I will strangle yo-

Erik: Do you come with an off button?

Me: (Death Glare)

Erik: Why didn't you use Caesar?

Me: (Poking a thumb at Hyde) He killed the horse.

Erik: WHAT!

Raoul: Miranda's all wet now

Erik:(Pulls out punjab lasso)

Me: No!

Erik: Fine...

Me: Soo... It's about time we start our therapy session. Everyone just go around the room and say your name and your problems. Remember, this is a non judgmental environment.

Erik: Sure...

Me: I think Hyde should go first... And Jekyll

Jekyll: (timidly) My name is Dr Henry Jekyll...

Everyone: Hi Henry

Erik: This guy doesn't seem so bad...

(Emma injects his leg with HJV formula. Twitches like the crackhead he is)

Hyde:(With a deeper voice) And I'm Edward Hyde.

Erik: And I thought I had a personality problem...

Raoul: Hi, my name is Raoul

Everyone: Hi Raoul

Erik: Hi fop

Raoul: I don't think there's anything wrong with me...

Erik: (pulls out lasso)

Me: Okay... this isn't going anywhere... But there's something you all share in common!

Erik: And what might that be?

Me: Serious anger management issues.

Raoul: I do not!

Me: You used your fiancée as phantom bait-

Raoul:...

Erik: Unlike the fop, I got closure with my problems...

Me: You crashed a chandelier on a stage!

Erik: And I got closure.

Me: For like how long?

Erik: About six months...

Me: Does WHY SO SILENT GOOD MOSIE-

Erik: :/, don't sing that.

Me: Fine

Hyde: I sorted out all my problems too.

Me:(sarcastically) how exactly?

Hyde: I killed them all.

Me: That doesn't count.

Hyde: (at Erik) Whats with the mask?

Erik:...

Me: Seriously? You just noticed that now?

Hyde:...

Me: He has a messed up face. THIS HAUNTED FACE SHOS NO HORROR FOR ME NOOW, ITS IN YU-

Erik: You have potential... Now shut up.

Me: Thank you... I think

Raoul: LOVE ME THATS ALL I ASK OF-

Me: (electrocutes him)

Erik: I like her

Raoul: ERIKS GOT A GIRLFRIEND, ERIKS GOT A GI-

Me: (electrocutes him again)

Everyone: Thank you.

Me: Anyone want to shave him?

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**Thats Chapter two for you guys! All who review get cookies and a phantom plushie! Next chapter is more written out. I move in with the phantom! No E/ OC who is mainly based on me and two of my friends rolled up into a person. Thinking of putting in Gustave/ OC... Tell me what you think! And plz submit some interesting names! On a block!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three is up! Next is bad parenting, and drug abuse! cookies to all who read! I'll probably update on the weekends! Enjoy a chapter of randomness! **

**Thank You to Iceflower and ShadowEspon! Especially Iceflower! I don't really like Raoul... If you have any ideas for Raoul tortures I will soo put them in! BBWWAHAHAHHAHA!**

**Disclaimer: I dont own Les Mis, Phantom, Micheal Jackson, Pitbull, Party Rock Anthem, or any Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals.**

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_Chapter three: In which I move in...temporarily...and discuss obsessions_

ANGEL, I HEAR YOU SPEAK, I LISTEN! STAY BY MY SIDE, GUIDE ME-

Erik: Christine?

(I walk in with my phone and computer)

Erik: Oh, it's just you.

Me: (sarcastically) Nice to see you too.

Erik: What are you doing here? Therapy is in like 12 hours. (drinks some water)

Me: I'm moving in with you!

Erik: (Spit-take) WTF!

Me: I have nowhere else to go! Dad got in trouble with some people Soo... Now I'm hanging with you!

Erik:...

Me: Also if you don't let me stay I can evict you.

Erik:...

Fine. Where's all your stuff?

Me: This is all I have... Do you have any clothes?

Erik: I'm a guy...

Me: Well I figured that since you had been with Christine you would have some of her stuff, so...

Erik: Im not that preverted!

Me: Sure...I'm going to go take a shower, now!

Erik: Get out of my house.

Me: Nope! (Skips away)

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Me: GIVE ME EVERYTHING TONIGHT, FOR ALL WE KNOW, WE MIGHT NOT GET TOMORROW-

Erik: (curled up in a ball) Make it stop, please make it stop!

Me: PARTY ROCK IS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT, EVERYBODY JUST HAVE A GOOD, GOOD GOOD TIME! OOOOHHHHHH-

Erik: Look, if your going to sing, sing something decent!

(Silence)

Erik: Perfect.

Me: CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER, THRILLER NIIIIGGGHHHHHTTTTT-

Erik: (convulses on the floor)

Me: I'm done.

Erik: Thank the Lord. (hands me a dress) this is all I have.

Me: (pause) There is no way I'm wearing that!

Erik:...Why not?

Me: Cause its a dress! With a corset!

Erik: Yeah...so?

Me: Get in the 21st century man! Corsets aren't a thing anymore!

Erik: Do you have anything better?

Me: (grumbles angrily) Fine. I'll wear the stupid Amita dress.

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Fantine: What happened to you?

Me: (barely audible) The corset... Erik di-did it...too tight...ca-can't b-b-b-bre-breathe!

Eponine: I never had to wear one of those...

Erik, Javert and Hyde: Hey! She finally looks like a girl.

Me: (Double death glare) I-I will e-ele-electrocute all o-o-of y-you!

Enjolras, and Granatire: That is so true!

Me: W-wh-what-whaterv-whatever! Le-lets ju-st cont-tin-continue with the l-l-less-lesson! Omygoshican'tbreathithinkimgonnapassout! FANTINE, HELP ME! (passes out)

Fantine: (Loosens my corset) Isn't this the same dress from the Past the Point of No Return scene?

Me: (Impression of Elizabeth Swan not drowning in POTC 1) Yup.

Raoul: Don't loosen it! She's better silent!

Erik: For once I agree with the fop.

Me: (cough, cough) I swear, I'm gonna kill you both.

Everyone:...

Hyde: Why are we here now?

Me: (straightens) You all are unhealthily obsessed with something.

Everyone: NO! WE'RE NOT!

Me: Granatire is obsessed with beer...

Granatire: Am not! (Takes a big swig, and passes it to me)

Erik and Fantine: Noo! (grab it away, before I can taste some)

Me: WHAT! WHY NOT!

Fantine: You're under-aged...

Erik: You may have as many problems as me...and that's saying something..

Me: Anyways...Enjolras is obsessed with his cause...

Enjolras: Wow. The first degree you got on the wall was that one?

Me: I don't have any degrees, so... But my mom was a therapist, and I believe I have enough experience, with this sort of thing...

Fantine: Trust me, you don't.

Me: Who's side are you on?

Fantine:...

Me: Hyde is obsessed with Lucy, Erik is obsessed with Christine, and Eponine is obsessed with Marius...

Hyde, Eponine and Erik: Where are they?

Me: There's my point...Where's Raoul?

Rauol: (Asleep)

Me: (sneaks up behind him with rusty scissors, and a razor)

Fantine: No!

Me: Heck yeah! (Shaves off his moustache, and the center of his head, making him look like a monk)

Erik: (hugs me) Thank you!

Me: Your welcome. But you're still disturbingly obsessed with Christine.

Erik: You have no prof of that.

Me: (storms into his room.)

Hyde: Where did she go?

Me: (Goes into my room)

Fantine: I'm obsessed with being a good mother! Nothing wrong with that!

Hyde: Yes there is. Since you died on your kid, and became a whore.

Fantine: I had no choice!

Hyde and Fantine: (Scream fight)

Me: (Carrying two heavy cardboard boxes) SHUT THE BEEP UP!

(Silence)

Erik: Where did you get those?

Me: Found them...lying around.

Fantine: What's in the box?

Erik: Nothing. Just give it! (lunges for me)

Me: NO! (boxes spill open to reveal numerous Christine dolls, and many more maimed, shot, half-burned, wet, drowned, and hung Raoul dolls)

Hyde, and Fantine:...And I thought I had serious issues...

Raoul: I feel lighter.

Hyde: No beep, Sherlock.

Raoul: Did you burn me?

Erik: Many times, actually. (Turns to me) See?Closure.

Raoul: (Feels head) WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE DO TO MIRANDA!

Me, and Erik: BBWAAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA!

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**End of Chapter Three! Please R&R!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four! Yahhh! Two chappies in a day! Introducing Gustave in this chapter, and Next chapter's at the barricades OF FREEDOM! PS My "Me" is my OC who is currently nameless... Iceflower, I grant you a roomful of cookies for reviewing each chapter...You make me happier! TrustGavroche, You rock, as well! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Musicals in the title, or Crazy Train, and I actually love Christine's character in real life.**

**Enjoy!**

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_Chapter Four: On Bad_ _Parenting:_

(Still in the Phantom's Cella- I mean Lair. Phantom's Lair)

Jean Valjean: Ohh...The Judge was serious about this?

Christine: It appears so...But she can't be that bad...

(I come in with ear-buds in, air-guitar-ing...if that's a word, in another one of Christine's dresses.)

Me: GOING OFF THE RAIILLSS OF A CRAZY TRAI-

The Thenardiers: She _is that bad. _Even for us.

Me: (whipping my hair back and forth) I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH, I WHIP M-

Christine: (Says something I can't hear)

Me: WHAT?

Christine: (Says more stuff I can't hear)

Me: WHAT?

Christine: (yanks out ear-buds) Is that my dress?

Me: (still dancing in place) Yup, Christi.

Christine: Where did you get it?

Me: (dancing) Your closet.

Christine: I _know_ that. But _how_ did you get it?

Me: I stole it while you were sleeping last night.

Christine: WHAT!

Erik: (walks in with another toothbrush in his mouth)

Me: Can't you brush your teeth in the bathroom.

Erik: What the heck is _she _doing here?

Me: I invited her.

Christine: You threw me in a burlap sack with the Les Mis people!

Me: Tomato, _tomato_

Gavroche, Eponine, Azelma and Cosette: What are _we doing here?_

Gavroche, Eponine, Azelma: We're not parents.

Cosette: Well...

Jean: WHAT! YOU'RE PREGNANT AND YOU DIDN'T TELL M-

Me: Can it, grandpa, and let's get to the lesson! The point is ALL OF YOU ARE BAD PARENTS.

Every true adult: No, we're not!

Erik: I'm not a parent.

Christine:...

(Doorbell rings)

Me: I'll get it.

(Dashes off)

Christine: Does she always dash off like that?

Erik: Yup.

Mme. Thenardier: She's worse than Eponine.

Eponine: You've said much worse to me, Mom.

(I open the door. Gustave is standing there looking spacy)

Me: (looking up at him, since he's like a head taller) You must be Gustave. You're late.

Gustave:...

Me: Hello?

Gustave: W-what?

Me: (waving a hand in front of his face) Are you always this spaced-out?

Gustave: N-no

Me: Well come on then. (drags him inside)

Raoul: Gustave! What are you doing here?

Gustave: She told me to come, yesterday.

Christine: You broke into our 13 yr olds room?!

Me: Correction: _Erik _and I broke into your _house_. I was his accomplice. Get your facts straight!

Gustave: I'm 14, actually.

Me: Me too!

Erik: It was _her_ idea!

Raoul: Will you ever stop torturing me?

Me: Is the ocean red?

Raoul: (Pulls off cap he's wearing) LOOK AT WHAT SHE DID TO ME!

Gustave: That was you?

Me: Yes...

(We hi-five)

Mr. Thenardier: What does any of this have to do with the lesson?

Me: Since when did you care?

Eponine: Its almost time for them to go rip off the rest of France.

Everyone: Ohh...

Me: Right...So what do you think is the definition of good parenting, Madame Thenardier?

Mrs. Thenardier: Good parenting means your children come out alive in the end...

Gavroche: That ain' true yo!

Erik: I'm _still _not a father...(stares at Christine) right?

Raoul: Right?

Me: (Glaring) Spit it out, Blondie.

Fantine: Her hair is brown.

Me: Webber 2011 version!

Christine: _Well..._

All Les Mis children: LA,LA,LA,LA,LA WE CANT HEAR YOU! (Run back to the barricade)

Jean Valjean: That was melodramatic...

Me: Gustave meet your dad, Erik.

Raoul and Erik: WHAT!

Erik: How did you know that?

Me: You got high, a couple nights ago, and started bragging about your life achievements.

Gustave: So you're living with him?

Me: Temporarily.

Everyone:...

Me: Ew, no, not like that! I'm a free spirit!

Raoul: You had his kid!?

Christine: (rolls her eyes) Please don't tell me you just noticed that now.

Raoul: Gustave is too nice-looking to be his son!

Erik: (pulls out Punjab lasso)

Me: No! Bad parenting! Bad!

Christine: You take morphine? I thought you'd stopped!

Erik: I needed more closure. And it's medical.

Me: You need some new copping methods, man. Gustave looks up to you now.

Gustave: Actually we see eye to eye.

Me: See, begin a parent doesn't mean you push your kids aside, _Thenardiers_. But it doesn't mean that you give them everything, _Valjean. So if you ca-_

(Phone rings, Phantom of the Opera Overture plays)

Me: Whops...That's my phone...and its Enjolras... Oh jeez...

Erik: Why does that matte-

Me: Shh!

Me: Hello? (pulls phone away from ear, and frowns. Shouts and explosions can be heard.) Enjy, calm down. CALM DOWN, MAN! So help me I will slap you (Phone gets pulled away from ear, again) Okay, slower, slower. What do you mean its my fault? I'm not the one with the chemicals.(More screams and shouts) Ahah, Aaha, oh really? (glares at Erik) I had no idea... Where's the' barricade? Okay, okay I'll be over there in a minute. Bye!

Erik: That sounded fun.

Me: Class is over. (Points to Erik) You. Car. Now!

Erik: I don't go outside.

Me: Well you do now! Havoc is in the barricade all because of you and your stupid chemical!

Erik: That's Hyde's fault

Gustave: Dude, I gotta see this!

Christine: No! I forbid it!

Erik: C'mon Christine, don't you trust me?

Christine: I don't trust any of you. (To me) Especially you. Gustave (turns his head away from my direction) pay attention.

Erik: *snickers*

Me: What?

Raoul: Rafiya and Gustave sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-

(electrocutes him for the umpteenth time)

Me: (flips tazer in my hand) Man, I love doing that.

Christine: If he comes back with as much as scratch, I will skin all of you, and hang you on my wall.

Me: Okayokay,Christine,nothingsgoingtohappentoanyone.. .BYE!

Gustave: To the barricades of FREEDOM!

(We dash away)

Valjean: What. Just. Happened?

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**Onto the barricade we go! Please R&R!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter five: Weee! Iceflower...you make me jump for joy. I'll put some of your suggestion in ch. 6! Thanks for keeping up with this story!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTO, les mis, J+H, Fiddler on the roof, Teen beach movie, or Grease**

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(On the streets of Paris...Well more like the front steps of the Opera House)

Me: RED , THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN

Gustave: BLACK, THE DARK OF AGES PAST!

Erik: I'LL KILL YOU BOTH IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!

(Silence)

Gustave: ONCE THERE WAS A NIGHT BENEATH A MOONLESS SKKYYY! TOO DARK TO SEE A THING! TO DARK TO EVEN TRYYY!

Me: AND I TOUCHED YO-

Erik: NOO! That song is far from child friendly, remember T fic, not M fic.

Me, and Gustave: ...Fine.

Gustave: Didn't you write that?

Erik: I was drunk...

Me: What's it about anyways?

Both...

Erik: (whispers in my ear. I slap him hard)

Me: Why would you write a song about _that?_

Erik: Oww...(rubs cheek) Closure..

Gustave: What did it mean?

Me: (whispers in his ear. Jaw drops and turns red)

Gustave: I meant none of that... (to Erik) I've lost what little respect I had for you.

...

Erik: Do we actually have to go outside? In the _sunlight?_

Me: The barricade is like five blocks away, man.

Erik: Sunlight's not my thing.

Me: Well it is now! (Drags both of them into the streets)

Gustave: Dad why are yo-

Erik: Easy with the D- word! This is still new for me!

Gustave: Okay...Why are you wearing a hood?

Me: Seriously, Erik?

Erik: I'm trying to look invisible!

Me: Well your hardly close to invisible now.

Erik: Can't we just hire a cab?

Me: Its only five blocks!

Erik: Pwease? (puppy dog eyes)

Me: Fine...But your puppy eyes are kinda freaky...

Gustave: (at passing carridges) Um, excuse me, pardon me-

(Everyone ignores)

Me: You're being too nice.

Erik: What would you know?

Me: (whistles loudly) TAXI!

(Everyone stops)

Me: (Smile smugly)

* * *

Me: Well that was a waste of money.

Gustave: And time.

Erik: And I didn't have to show my face!

Me: (frowning) Let's just get to the stupid-(Jaw drops)

(We come into the barricade or what's left of it, full of barricade boys, people of multiple centuries, national guardsmen, other Les misians, and a bunch of other random characters from other places are partying/ destroying the barricade. A disco ball is hovering in mid-air, fan-girls are chasing a shirtless, torn up Enjolras, Marius and Cosette are hitting it off, as usual, Gavroche is DJ-ing a crowd of people, while his gangs are pickpocketing every national guardsmen. The Café is in the process of being t-peed by high Narnians, Javert is playing 'Pin the tail on the Law', which is himself, Bousset is smashing mirrors, Combeferre is failing at hitting on Lucy, Hyde is strangling Combeferre, Emma is laughing and singing drunk songs with Fantine and the 'lovely' ladies'. Everyone is high, except Enjolras and Eponine.)

Me: Oh my gosh...

Granatire: (On the roof, waving Enjolras' red vest, clearly the most drunk of them all) WITHOUT OUR TRADITION...OUR LIVES WOULD BE AS STEADY AS...THE FIDDLER ON THE ROOOOOFFF! DI, DI, DI, DI, DI, DIE!

Enjolras: (stops running for five seconds) GIVE ME BACK MY VEST OR YOU'LL DIE!

Granatire: Never! (Falls off the roof)

Gavroche: (Not high. Dressed like a ghetto DJ, in red and black, yelling to the crowd, in oversized headsets) Yo! Yo! Yo! Whattup people!

Crowd: (Cheers)

Me: (Makes an angry come-over-here sign with my hands)

Gavroche: This is DJ Master Gavroche over hee-ya at The Red+Black Club! and that special time of the hour has come again! I'm throwin' the mic to my sista' from the same mista' Master E.P!

(Eponine walks on stage, dressed like a biker girl in red and black leather, and cherry stilletoes) Yo! Whattup y'all!

(Gavroche walks through the crowd, to me)

Eponine: I'd like to invite the two other Barricade Girls up hee-yah! My sista from another mista Azelma-

Mr. Thenardier: WHAT!

Mme. T:...

Eponine: And Cosette! (Both come up in identical red and black leather)

Me: (to Gavroche) What the beep is going on?

Gavroche: (grabbing a plastic cup of beer) Granatire came back with a really large bag of whitish powder which he put in this stuff, then he called up some people, hired some stuff and... BAM! I'm a DJ! And check it out! ( lifts up sleeve to show it covered in phone numbers) Chicks dig me, man!

Gustave: (As Gavroche is drinking) Jeez, man...

Me: (smacks cup out of his hand) Don't drink that! You're under-aged!

Enjolras: (storms up) THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Me: Erik! How much of this stuff did you make?

Erik: I needed a lot of closure...and it was medical. Say it with me._ Me-dic-al_

Gustave: Isn't this stuff illegal?

Erik: Yeah. But isn't everything I do?

Both: Touche

Enjolras: You better end this, NOW!

Fangirls: Enjolras, where are you?

Enjolras: (jumps into my arms) HIDE ME! They'll KILL ME!

Me: Get off!

Enjolras: If I do will you end this?

Me:...

Enjolras: WILL YOU?

Me: (drops him) FINE!

(Summons lightning and thunder) Time to clear out!

Everyone: BBBOOOOO!(People start to slowly filter out)

Aslan: (with the White Witch, sleeping on his back) This gathering was quite exquisite, if I may say. See ya on Saturday! (walks out)

Me: O.o

Fangirls: (Cry in a massive death march, and walk out the door) WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU, ENJY!

Enjolras: GO ROT IN HE-

Me: Calm down, Harry!

Enjolras: Who the heck is THAT! Mordern day slang is so confuzling!

Gustave: Never say that word ever again.

Me: Agreed!

(Barricade girls walk up, or try to in their high heels. Azelma is bowing bubble gum.)

Me: You look like you three just washed up from the Jersey Shore.

Eponine: Meanie.

Cosette: (In a failed Jersey accent) Why'd ya end the part-aye?

Azelma: (blows bubble, and twists some red hair in between her fingers) We were going to get our big bre-aye-k!)

Me: First of all, stop with the Snookie accent. You're from France, not Hollywood. And second, the only thing you'll be breaking, are those heels of yours. You're helping us clean this mess up.

All: WHATZZ!

Me: Yup.

Gustave: (turns around) I'll just be on my way, now...

Me: (Grabs his collar) Not so fast, de Changy. You agreed to come, here, Gustave, so you're helping out too.

Gustave: Aw sh-

Me: Watch your language.

Gavroche: But I have homework!

Me: Then why were you DJ-ing?

Gavroche:...

Me: Come on, let's get this over with...

* * *

_Five minutes later..._

(Gustave and I are trying to scrub off the purple and red spray-paint words "Narnia was here" and "The Red and Black Ruls" off the café walls with bleach. The Barricade girls are untepeeing the house, while Erik is getting rid of all the drugs, and Enjolras is gathering every unconcious up in a drunk pile.)

Erik: Where did all the other originals go?

Me: They passed out...but we still can't find Joly.

Gavroche: Yeah...He disappeared after the kids for the 80's came in.

Me: When was that?

Gavroche: Like 20 min. into the party.

Cosette: He was screaming really loud...

Me: He is still here,_ right_?

Everyone: (Drops what they are doing) Joly! Joly! Where are you?

Gustave: I think I found him...

Enjolras: What does he look like.

Gustave: Brown hair, scrawny, pale, big green eyes, shaking like a maraca... Should I continue?

Joly: I'm not that _scrawny_!

Enjolras: (runs into the café with me) Nope, that's him.

(Joly is crammed into a small armoir, in fetal position, covered in something really sticky, and foul-smelling, shaking uncontrollably)

Me: What happened to you?

Joly: Germs...maple syrup...help! (drops out and faints onto the floor)

Erik: How did he become part of that revolution, anyways?

Enjolras: (shrugs) Desperation, to the highest degree.

Erik: And yet you still lost.

Enjolras: (Glare) It was a good idea!

Erik: Sure... less than 20 hormonally challenged, speech challenged, teenage boys try to stand up to a national army...Yeah 'cause that's how to make a difference.

Me: (Claps hands) Shut up, Barbie#2. Lets get back to work.

* * *

_three hours later... which is like 7pm_

Me: (collapses on the floor) Finally done!

Erik: I can't feel my arms.

Me: That means no more morphine, or drugs for you, Mr. Noseless.

Erik: Don't call me that...

Me: I can call you whatever I want.

Erik: Do you know what 'A' is for?

Gustave: What?

Erik: Ambulance.

Me:...

Erik: (creepily smiles)

Me: Okay, no more Mr. Noseless! Let's just get back to the cellar.

Erik: Lair. It's a lair, _not. a. cellar._

Me: Typing. like. this. doesn't. make. you're. point. stronger. it . just. makes. you. look. like. your. computer. or. you. have. athsma.

Everyone: (Too tired to respond) I'm gonna call it a night.

Gustave: I have to start heading back home, now. Mom is gonna freak. (runs down the street)

Me: Isn't Christine's house that way? (Points in the opposite direction)

Erik: Yeah...Do you wanna tell him?

Me: (Pauses) Nahh... He'll figure it out, eventually.

* * *

**Done! Please R&R! P.S. I have noticed that most of my 230 views are from the first chapter... is the story that bad? Please try to read some more, and I will send you a basket full of cookies! Feedback wanted.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter six is up! Seems like these dreams are getting weirder... I wonder how... I really need to stop sleeping to Music of the Night, and At the End of the Day in my ears. Hope you enjoy. Next chapter i'll introduce my friend Dana, from Voice Camp. She's the best 14 year old soprano, I've ever heard, and i'm 13! This is kind of a filler chapter. Iceflower, TrustGavroche and Josette... You all deserve halos...YOU ARE AWESOME INCARNATED INTO HUMANS!**

**Josette the reason some people are left out is because the Judge/ Dad of my OC who is still nameless, doesn't know al the characters names. But those people are going to play a big part in this fic. Ps you just gave me a great new chapter idea with the J+H people...(creepy smile) THANK YOU!**

**AzureOtter...I sent a truckload of cookies to your house..Thank you for reviewing, and favoriting! I love your les mis parody. **

**TO ALL WHO VIEWED. YOU GET A PLATE OF COOKIES AND A TRUCKLOAD OF ICE CREAM! This chapter may not be very funny but i'll probably update later today, since I have no homework or school over the next week...YEAAAHHH!**

**Disclaimer: Seriously, people? If anyone except Andrew own POTO, we all know how it would have ended. I agreed with Les Mis. But in J+H Lucy would've gotten away.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Chapter Six: Intruder!_

(Four Days later. In the phantom's cellar, at half past twelve in the morning. Completely dark. Everyone's asleep.)

Me: (subconsciously, sleeping in Christine's nightgown, which I hemmed, and tightened/ destroyed it.) Gummy bears...go away...I will keep the stone of destiny...no touchee... no touchy!

(Loud noises can be heard outside my wall. I wake up.)

Me: Who's there?

(More loud noises. I curl up in the dark, and stare at my closet. The door opens, and out pops someone, a him, too short to be Erik. And I could here him snoring in the other room anyways.)

Me: (Silently slips out of my bed, and picks up my lamp.)

Voice: What th-

(I smash him on the back with it, since I'm too short to reach his head.)

Voice: (Turns around) WHAT THE HEC-

Me: ( Hits him again, and again.)

Voice: (Grabs my arm/sleeves, and starts to shake me)

Me: (Punches him in the face. My sleeves rip, sagging my dress, making it harder to run.)

Voice: (Follows me, to Erik's organ, which is in a couple pieces, because of something I did...)

Me: (trip over air and land on almost all the organ keys)

Organ: BLAAAMMMMPPPP! (ground shakes)

Ayesha the Cat: RRAAWWOOLLL! (Voice and me start fighting again.)

(Lights switch on, and Erik walks out, punjab lasso in hand.)

Erik: What the- (drops laso and stares) Oh My God...

(Turns out stranger equals a wet, red-faced, angry-looking Gustave, holding my incredibly saggy sleeves, slightly pressing against me, my nails stuck in the buttons of his shirt...Everything looks pretty bad. Aww... come on! It's like the world was against me.)

Erik: What the beep was going on?

Gustave: (lets go of me, and backs away) N-noth-nothing.

Erik: (Raises eyebrow at both of us)

Me: Nothing happened, I swear! He sunk onto my bed an-

Erik: (to Gustave) YOU DID WHAT?!

Me: (runs between them before Erik can kill him) No! It wasn't like that! He came in through my closet!

Erik: At one in the morning?

Gustave: Raoul is a pain in the butt! So I told Mom to take care of it, but she said that I'd have to do what she said while I lived under her roof, so...BAM! Now I'm crashing at your place.

Erik: No, no, no. No more annoying teenagers sneaking into my house. I live alone!

Me: Yeah!...Hey!

Gustave: But I'm homeless, now!

Erik: Deal with it.

Gustave: Would you deny your own so-

Erik: We have no proof of that, yet. But as soon as it's morning, we're going in for a paternity test.

Me: Dude, just except it.

Gustave: So can I stay?

Erik: (head in hands) Finneeee... But you people are working out sleeping arrangements, since _someone _destroyed my extra bed.

Me: (Whistles inconspicuously)

Erik: And no more sneaking into young sopranos rooms, and scaring the living day- Oh my musical monkeys, you're turning into me! (Walks away mumbling) I'm gonna need a couple extra shot glasses for this.

Me: (as soon as Erik's gone, I turn to Gustave) You either sleep on the couch, the floor, or outside.

Gustave: Couch.

* * *

_The Next Afternoon.._

Me: HOPPED A BUGGY IN LA PARIE, WITH A GUN IN MY CARDIGAN!

Gustave: What are you doing?

Me: WELCOME TO THE REBEL'S BARRICADE! JEEZ AM I GONNA FIT IN?

Erik: (toothbrush again in mouth) SHUT UP!

Me: How hard is it to brush your teeth in the bathroom, for like once, without walking around?

Erik: I do what I want. (Cookie to anyone who can guess who indirectly said this. Avengers related)

Me: Lord have mercy on us-

Gustave: Is there any "therapy" today?

Me: Nope... But Enjolras, Christine, and Fop#1 are coming over in about (looks at bare wrist)... ten minutes.

Erik: WHAT? YOU CAN'T JUST INVITE PEOPLE TO MY HOUSE- wait did you say Christine? I though she hated you.

Me: I'm a big Christine fan, and hate is a strong word. She severely distrusts me. But I don't blame her since she had been around you.

Erik: (Glares and walks away) You guys better not do something stupid while I'm gone...

Me: Want to drop a chandelier on Carlotta

Gustave: Do I!


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven is up! This is more of rules this time. Iceflower, hugzies for reviewing. Updated just for you! And is that a good thing? Gustave becoming a slight stalker? Or is it bad, because it was kind of vague... But thanks a bunch for the new idea!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the musicals in this title, and if I did, Raoul's scalp would be hanging from my wall...BBBBWWWAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Chapter Seven: In which I give Gustave instructions to ignore._

_(Three business days after paternity test)_

Erik: That stupid test hasn't come in yet!

Me: (Weaving, because I can) Calm down, Erik. It's no big deal

Hyde: (Sitting on the armchair, reading 1001 Way To Kill Someone, and Not Get Caught) Yeah man, just chill and enjoy life.

Me:...What are you _reading, _Edward?

Hyde: 1001 Ways To Kill Someone, and Not Get Caught, by K.I.L.L Morbidus. Hey did you know there's 30 ways to kill someone with a crochet pin?

Me and Gustave:...(throws crochet pins into the fire)

(Phantom of the Opera Overture blasts from my phone.)

Me: (Picking up my phone, and whispers) It's Christine!

Erik: (Spazzes, and runs into his room)

Little Cosette: (Reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid, cause those books are da bomb) Is he always this melodramatic?

Meg: He dropped a chandelier on a crowd of people, when Christi dumped Buttface over there, so yes, he's a drama queen.

Erik: Hey!

Lucy: Don't you mean king?

Meg: Nope.

Me: (Answers phone) Yes, this is she...yup...yes...okay...I'm good, how are you? Thank you! I'll totally help you out with that! Sure, girlfriend! Wait what? You've got to be kidding me? Erik is gonna freak! Sure I'll ask him.

Gustave: Did you just call my Mom, girlfriend?

Me: (Shouts,) ERIK!

Erik: WHAT?

Me: Christine wants to talk with you!

Erik: (preens himself and grabs phone) Hello...What? I can't do that! I don't care, I'm not qualified! There's nothing you can say to make me change my mind. (Pauses, and nearly drops phone) Fine.

(Hangs up)

Me: So how did it go?

Erik: (Flatly) Gustave, you're staying with us now. (walks away into his room, with a big bottle of wine)

Gustave: Seriously?

Me: Yup.

Gustave: How am I suppose to live with that psychopath?

Erik: (Muffled by the door) Just because I'm in my room, doesn't mean I can't hear you. And it's a sociopath, not a psychopath. Get your facctttss straaaiiighhhthtt, mannnn.

(Silence)

Emma: I think he passed out.

Me: (Waits)

Erik: (Snore)

Me: Yup. He'll be conked out for the next few hours, at the least. But seriously, if you're living here, there's some basic rules you need to follow.

Gustave: Like what?

Me: Well, there are lots of movies we can't watch.

Emma: Like what?

Me: The Dictator, The Hangover trilogy, anything with explosions in it-

Hyde: Awww...

Me: Thor-

Little Cosette: BUT THOR AND LOKI ARE HAWT!

Everyone:...

Fantine: What did Valjean do to my baby?

Me: After I watched Thor, I realized that the pipe organ pipes looked a bit like an upside down Asgard, so I took them apart and built a mini Asgard on the floor. Erik got really mad...and cried...and got high, sooo...

Hyde: And just because I'm slightly smaller than Jekyll, in the book, doesn't mean that I'm smaller in the musical. So you better not call me _fun-sized _again, Rafiya.

Me: It was a joke! And I still have the scar...

Lucy: Join the club.

Me: Don't nail Erik's coffin shut while he's sleeping and float down the river on it...

Mini Cosette: You did that?

Me: He would've drowned me afterwards, if Emma hadn't pulled him off me. (Hands her a One Direction CD)

Emma: SQUEE! Thank you! You don't owe me anything, anymore!

Me: Anytime.

Meg: Don't play that CD around him. He hates pop music almost as much as he hates the fop.

Jekyll:... What else can't you do here?

Me: If you want to stay alive for more than three seconds, you won't play or sing Devil Take the Hindmost, or All I Ask Of You in his presence.

Gustave: That's understandable.

Me: You must _never, ever _show him fanfiction. He broke my computer when I was reading a slash pairing of Gerik and some random OC.

Jekyll: I would have, too.

Me: Don't take Enjolras' vest or he will put you in a wheelchair.

Gustave: I was at the barricade remember? I saw what happened to Granatire on the way.

Me: I can't hug Joly anymore, and tell him I caught fopitis from Raoul.

Fantine: (scratches her short hair) Why not?

Me: He put me under quarantine for three days.

Gustave: (Dies laughing)

Me: No organ jokes either, _Hyde._

Hyde: (Whispers inconspicuously)

Me: You cannot call compare him to Freddy Krueggur, Frankenstein, Frollo, Zorro, Quasimodo, especially not Quasimodo. He's deformed, but not _that_ deformed.

Emma: What does Erik have in common with Zorro? Zorro is se-

Me: Finish that, and I will hang you from the ceiling.

Lucy: Frollo?

Me: Both got the black swishy cape going on.

Meg: That makes a lot of sense...

Me: And lastly, You must _never, ever, ever, _speak of the fop.

Gustave: You mean, Rao-

Me: (Shushes him) Don't say that! He will literally kill you!

Gustave: Seriously?

Me: He left 17 maimed 'me' dolls with broken parts, cracked necks, split heads and sliced throats when I went to Raoul's for tea. He may be a fop, but he's an excellent conversationalist, when he wants to be. (My voice quiets down drastically.)

Meg: So that's it?

Me: Yup. Don't mess with Erik, and he'll be civil to you.

Gustave: Wanna watch On Stranger Tides?

Fantine: Is the sky blue?

Emma: Is that appropriate for a child of Cosette's age?

Mini Cosette: Hey! I'm eight, thank you very much!

Hyde: And you're a midget.

Fantine: My daughter is not a midget! And she was raised by a convict! This movie will hardly do anything.

Meg: What about the explosions?

Me: Just because the rules are there doesn't mean we have to follow them!

Everyone: TO RAOUL'S CINEMA ROOM! (we storm out in a massive wave, swimming across the lake, since it was incredibly deep.)


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 is up! You guys keep it up with the ideas! I would've never thought of them without you guys! Because you're awesome like that! Iceflower, your idea is used in this chapter. You are an Angel of Music.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned POTO, Les Mis, or J+H, Hyde, Raoul, Marius, and Simon Stride had better leave the country while you still can...But I will always find you...(creepy smile, and maniacal laughter) I also don't own any of the songs below, and I only slightly own the parodies. Josette gave me many of these ideas. I'm NOT a Justin Bieber fan or a One Direction fan. But I love beauty and a beat! But Nicky Minaj ruined it!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Chapter Eight: In Which We Try To Find Ourselves:_

(Dancing like crazy people, singing accapela)

Emma: I PUT MY HANDS UP! A' PLAYING MY SONG, AT THAT BARRICADE A-A-AGAIN!

Lucy: NODDING MY HEAD LIKE YEA!

Meg: COMPOSING LIKE WE JUST DON'T CARE!

Christine: I PUT MY HANDS UP A PLAYIN' MY SONG!

All girls: THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT DAY! HEY, HEY, HEY! HIT IT LIKE CHRISTINE DAAE!

Me: I'M SAYING HEY, HEY HEY, HEY!

All: HIT IT LIKE CHRISTINE DAAE! (end in an epic harmony)

Me: We should start an accapela group!

Christine: Heck yes!

Hyde: That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

Meg: But what would we call ourselves?

Emma: The Barden Bellas

Me: That name is already taken.

Jekyll: I can't believe I almost married her!

Simon Stride: I can't believe I was attracted to her!

Hyde: I killed all of you for a reason.

(Beaconsfield walks in wearing a purple disco top, green sweatpants, and cherry high heels)

Me: What are you wearing?

Emma: You thought I was joking when I said she had no sense of style? She couldn't match a shirt and pants, to save her life!

Fantine: How about the Re-

(Erik comes in with a toothbrush in his mouth, for like the umpteenth time. If he comes in there one more time with that thing in his mouth, I'll smack him.)

Erik: What are these people doing in my house?

Me: Group therapy.

Erik: It didn't look like that.

Meg: We were breaking the ice...sort of.

Erik: Whatever. I'm going to go and stalk Christine now.

Me: (stops him) Not so fast. (points to a brace on his foot) You're under house arrest remember?

Erik: That's because my own son, and you dressed up like me, and dropped a chandelier on Carlotta!

Carlotta: Zhat vas you?

Me: Shut up, cow. But seriously, Erik, you're going to participate in this session, or else.

Erik: Or what?

Me: (Puts in Justin Bieber CD)

Justin Bieber: ALLL I NEEEDDDD IS A BEAUTY AND A BEEAATT THAT CAN MAKE MY LIFEE COOOMMMPPPLLEEETTTEEEE!

Erik: (in fetal position) FINE I'LL PARTICIPATE IN YOUR STUPID MEETING! JUST TURN THE ABOMINABLE GIRL OFFF!

Fantine: That's a boy.

* * *

_Ten minutes later, once everyone is calmed down, and eating cakes and coffee..._

Me: Today we'll be talking about self-identity, which all you people completely lack.

Erik: I know who I am!

Me: That's not what I meant. Now lets all go around the room and say what our life accomplishments are, and what we could do to accomplish more.

Everyone:...

Me: Hyde, start talking.

Hyde: Well I killed Beaconsfield, General Glossop, The Bishop of Baringstroke, Teddy, Lucy, man that one was fun.

Lucy: (Lunges for him, but Cosette and Eponine hold her down)

Hyde: That one annoying newsboy, that thick-necked fop, Stride, Sir Archibald Props, myself, Jekyll, and I would've killed that dumb blonde Disney princess, if those two old geezers hadn't gotten in the wa-

Danvers and Utterson: HEY!

Stride: I'm NOT A FOP!

All of the Jekkies: Yes you are!

Me: Okay! Let's move onto Christine. Wait no! She kinda accomplished everything she wanted to in life. Right?

Christine: Pretty much.

Me: Let's move onto Fantine, then Lucy. Fantine what have you done in your life?

Fantine: Well, I fell in love with a guy named Felix.

Mini Cosette: Fix-It-Felix?

Everyone:...

Me: (tries not to die laughing)

Fantine: Honey, would you like to see the unicorn in the torture chamber?

Mini Cosette: But there's no uni-

Fantine: Just go!

(Mini Cosette leaves)

Fantine: And Felix and I had an affair, thus Cosette came out of it-

Mini Cosette: (Comes back all dusty and covered in cobwebs) There was no unicorn, Mommy! What did I miss?

Me: Nothing...

Fantine: So I gave Cosette to some innkeepers, and worked at a factory, then was kicked out a month later, thanks to Le Maire. Since I couldn't find any jobs, I sold my teeth and hair to pay for Cosette, got rescued by Valjean and died.

Emma:...Well that was cheery.

Eponine: Didn't you forget about the part when you become a prosi-

Me: Moving on. Lucy how was your life?

Lucy: My childhood was pretty bad, and since I was poor, I became a prostitute to help pay for food and water an-

Mini Cosette: What's a prostitute?

Everyone:...

Hyde: A prostitute is someone who gets paid t-

Me: There's a child in here! What he means is a prostitute is someone who plays...hop-scotch..._with_...many people?

Christine: Mainly men.

Cosette: How come my younger self doesn't know that, and I do?

Me: Don't question it.

Lucy: Then I met Jekyll, and he was nice to me. Then _someone _beat me up, and I crawled to Dr. Jekyll's house again, and he healed my back, and we kissed-

Emma: YOU DID WHAT?!

Jekyll: It wasn't like that! It was just a peck!

Emma: YOU DID WHAT!

Lucy: Sure...because pecks last three minutes.

Jekyll: It did not. She kissed me!

Emma: _You _were that woman my fiancée was hanging around?

Hyde: You catch on slow.

Emma: HOW DARE YO-

Lucy: LET ME FINISH MY LIFE STORY!

(Everyone goes silent)

Me: (whispering to Eponine) No wonder she can belt.

Lucy: Soo. I was bought by Hyde, then Jekyll sent me money, and I sang a showtune, then was stabbed to death, by that son of a b-

Me: Language!

Emma: Wow. Even I had more self identity than that.

Stride: Are you always this snippy?

Emma: Judgemental, not snippy.

Me: Emma, according to your record, you haven't done anything in your life...

Emma: That's not true! I've done...I...um...

Hyde: Getting lost, sweetheart?

(Emma attacks him)

(Mini Cosette's eyes are being covered by Fantine. Everyone else is placing bets, on whose gonna win. I'm the only one that puts 10 dollars to Emma.)

Me: SOMEONE TEAR THESE TWO APART! THIS IS A CELLAR NOT A CIRCUS-

Erik: Its a laiiirrrrrr.

(Emma and Hyde let go of each other. Hyde's right eye is swollen shut, and two of his teeth are on the floor, while Emma has a black eye, a swollen cheek, and blood pouring form her forehead.)

Me: (collecting around three hundred dollars) Come to mommy!

(Everyone collectively groans)

Me: For fictional characters, you guys are loaded.

Lucy: Aren't you a fictional character?

Me: Yeah...but I'm broke.

Hyde: (spitting blood onto the floor) For a sissy, you can really pack a punch.

Emma: Vye I outahhh- (Lunges for Hyde again but I hold her back. She gives me a bruise, on my neck.)

Me: Emma pull yourself together!

Mr. Carew: I created a monster...

Utterson:...

Me: (injects tranquilizer into Emma's arm) Calm yourself.

Emma: I do stuff in my life.

Eponine: You're basically like a Disney princess, who lacks self identity and lives only to fall in love with creepy rich strangers.

Me: That was spot on.

Emma: What do I have to do to prove it to you?

Me: (like a prophet) You must find yourself, my child.

Emma: I'm 23, and you're 14.

Me: (snapping out of prophetiness) You ruined the moment, of prophet-ude.

Emma: Whatever, how long do I have to _"find myself"?_

Me: About a week. That's lots of time.

Emma: Fine. (walks outside)

(Gustave walks in)

Gustave: Hey! Woah...what happened to you?

Me: Emma Carew. Is it noticeable?

Gustave: Nope. Do you have that stuff I asked of you?

Lucy: Is that you boyfriend?

Me: No way. Just friends.

Hyde: LOVE ME! THAT'S ALL I ASK OF YOU!

Me: (electrocutes him, and hands him a large packet of illegal remote controlled fireworks)

Meg: Where did you get those?

Me: (Points at Hyde)

Utterson: (Like a drama queen) Edward Hyde, what do you have to say for yourself?

Hyde: (shrugs) Fish gotta swim.

Lucy: What do you plan to do with those?

Gustave: Putting them in Carlotta's wig in tonight's production of Don Juan Triumphant.

Me: I'm Amita!

Emma: With Piagi?

Gustave: Piagi's dead. I'm that Don Kuan guy.

Me: Don Juan

Gustave: Yep.

Christine: Aren't you two a little young, to play those roles?

Gustave: People say I look 21.

Me: I don't see it...and besides, people died at age 30 in this time. We're practically middle aged.

Gustave: Look at you, Mom. You died at 28.

Christine: WHAT!

Me: (grabbing Gustave and running) Sorry, gotta go sew these into Carlotta's wig! Bye!

* * *

**Torturing Carlotta is fun! Please R&R!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine is up! Wow...I write fast, man. My mom said I can only use my phone for 30 minutes a day, everyday, and now I'm sad...I use that thing a lot for music...and Musicals. I NEED IT! (eye twitch) Any-who...Thanks for all who have reviewed! Iceflower...we'll have to wait and see, especially with that one OC/ Rafiya and Gustave kis- wait, almost gave away another chappie idea. (grins mischiviously) If you want to see some sparks fly, you'll just have to wait and see...Was watching Grease while typing this, sooo...that's a fair warning. **

* * *

_Chapter 9: In which Emma scares the living heck out of everyone:_

_One week later..._

Me and Gustave: PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN! THE FINAL THRESHOLD! THE BRIDGE IS CROSSED SO STAND AND WATCH IT BURRRRNNNN! WE'VE CROSSED THE POINT OF NO REEEEEEETTTTURRRRNNN!

Erik: (Walks in to see Gustave and I staring at each other, him holding me closer than intended to him) What the heck?

Me: We're rehearsing, for tonight! Don't you recognize our costumes? (pulls hood of his face) Wow, are you going senile already?

Erik: No! How did you people get the leads, anyway?

Me: Everyone cleared the stage when Gustave dressed up like you, and stole your lasso. A couple people quit, and now we're the leads!

Erik: This is the weirdest thing ever.

Me: (drinking some tea, biting out of an apple in Erik's hand, and sitting on the couch) Tonight's the last show, so it has to go off without a hitch!

Gustave: Also if we blow up the stage again, we'll be put under house arrest.

Erik: That cannot happen. Everything is better when you people aren't here.

Me: Don't you have good times with Gustave?

Erik: The only time was when we blew up the opera house next door.

Gustave: I was still inside!

Erik: It was fun for me.

Me: That's not the point. (sips tea) You two should spend more father-son time, together.

Erik: And you should be spending _less_ date time together.

Gustave: They're not dates! What about shoving itching powder down Piagi's pants is date?

Erik: You did WHAT!?

Me: I know, I know. We should have used fire ants. But they were too hard to catch.

Gustave: But if was fun watching him gyrate all over the stage, itching himself like a maniac.

Me: Yup, that was worth every second of Firmin's scolding. I zoned out after "I'm so disappointed"

Firmin: (from upstairs) I can hear you!

(Everyone pauses)

Me: How is that possible?

Erik: The guy has ears that would make a bat jealous...Don't you have therapy today?

Me: (looks at bare wrist) Yeah, in like 10 minutes.

Erik: There's nothing there. How would you know?

Me: Because I can.

(Hyde, Utterson, Carew and Lucy walk in, all in shock. Fantine, and Mini Cosette come in, Fantine, staring daggers at Valjean)

Jekyll: You have to help us! (runs to my feet, sobbing)

Gustave: What's wrong?

Hyde: Emma found herself.

Erik: Emma had to _find _herself?

Me: You were conked out in one of our therapy sessions.

(Emma comes in dressed in tie-dye and bell-bottoms, with peace signs draped around her neck. To be frank, she looks like a hippie.)

Emma: (makes a peace sign with her hands) Yo, peeaaaccee dudes.

(Gustave's cup shatters onto the floor. I start to choke...a lot.)

Me: (Still choking) What the heck did you do?

Emma: I decided to abandon the social norm, and embrace the peace of the Earth, and enjoy its fruits. (smokes a joint)

Me: That's illegal!

Emma: What part of enjoying the Earth's fruits did you not understand?

Gustave: That doesn't give you the right to smoke!

Emma: I WILL NOT LET THE SOCIAL NORM CONTROL MY LIFE!

Me: (stares at her angrily)

Emma: Make love, dude, not war.

Me: Don't go all high hippie on me.

Emma: Tooooo lllaaaaaatttteeeee. (starts to sway, side to side)

Erik: I need to stop coming into this room...Nothing good ever happens in here!

Hyde: She reminds me of myself...Oh no!

Carew: What in the world is going on, with her?

Emma: WE GO TOGETHEEERRR, LIKE SHOBY DOBY DO BOOPPPPP-(passes out into the lake)

(No one goes to save her)

Me: Seriously? Not even Danvers.

Danvers: (Takes a picture of Emma on his IPad) I'm too busy updating my Instagram.

Me: Gustave?

Gustave: (texting)

Me: (Hikes up skirts, _literally._) Why do I even bother?

(Drags Emma out of the pool)

Fantine: YOU POSIONED MY DAUGHTER'S MIND!

Me: (panting) Can you slow down a bit?

Fantine: She's been telling everyone that I was a bad mom.

Gustave: Everyone already knew that.

Me: Yup.

Erik: (spit-take, laughing hysterically with the rest of us)

Valjean: What happened to you, my Cosette?

Mini Cosette: (Kicks him in the shin, and runs away)

Valjean: Oww! (reaches for her)

Mini Cosette: (Running away screaming) STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!

Me: SHE'S SYSTEMATIC! HYDROMATIC! GOLLY, SHE COULD EVEN BE GREASE LIGHTNINGGGG-

Fantine: SHUT UP!

(Silence)

Fantine: What am I supposed to do?

Me: You could tell her the truth.

Fantine: Are you *$# kidding me? What kind of #&$ would come u-

Me: Language, woman, language!

Eponine: I've never seen her this angry before.

Me: Fantine, you might want to take a break for a bit. (leads her to the torture chamber)

Fantine: *eye twitch*

Me: Okay. (locks her inside) I'll come get you later. (sets a timer for an hour) Wake me up when it goes off.

* * *

_The Next Morning..._

Me: (Yawns) How long have I been out?

Gustave: (Wiping his face with his shirt) About a day...You live on that bed, man. I smacked pans in your ears, and dumped cold water on you, and you still didn't wake up.

Me: WHAT! I've been asleep for a day?!

Gustave: Yep

Me: What part of "wake me up when the timer goes 'ding'" did you _not_ understand?

Gustave: (holds up timer) That's what that thing was for? It was annoying Dad so I turned it off.

Me:1) Don't call Erik, Dad. Sounds way too weird. And (hits him on the head with the clock) Put you're shirt back on, or I'll staple it to you.

(Opens the torture chamber, and Fantine steps out, wet, and covered in bruises)

Fantine: (Seeths)

Me: It'sallGustave'fault! (Runs back into room)

* * *

**Please R&R!**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter** 10 is up! Every ****10 chapters we check in with Mr. Judge, to see if we're making any progress. As if! Iceflower, yes, you can ship them...but it might take awhile, for anything incredibly significant to happen. I believe in taking things slow.**

* * *

_A couple days later..._

(It's five o' clock in the morning)

Me: (fully dressed, and walks out of my room. Goes into Gustave's room.)

Gustave: (snores)

Me: Aww...he _almost_ makes me feel guilty about what I'm about to do. (Pours a bucket of ice-filled water on his head)

Gustave: GAHH! Purple monkeys! (stares at me, angrily) WHAT THE HECK!

Me: Time to wake up.

Gustave: It's like five o' clock in the morning!

Me: 4:58 actually.

Gustave: Don't you know how to wake someone, like a normal person?!

Me: (pulls out an air-horn) Since when have you known me to be normal?

Gustave: Touche.

Me: Put on something descent, while I go wake up Erik. We're going out.

Gustave: You're going to wake up Da- I mean Erik?

Me: (polishes bullhorn) Yeah.

Gustave: I've gotta see this!

* * *

Gustave: Are you sure he's not gonna kill us?

Me: Yeah. I'm the authoress. Nothing can hurt me.

Gustave: What about me?

Me: You're a different story.

Erik: (still sleeping) Christine...burn the fop...annoying son...crazy girlfriend...

Me and Gustave: WE'RE NOT DATING!

Erik: (subconsciously) Whatevverrr...

Me: (kneels close to him) Erik...wakey wakey, eggs and bakey?

Erik: (snore)

Gustave: He actually looks _nice_ when he's sleeping...

Me: (muttering) But not nearly as nice as you do...

Gustave: What?

Me: Nothing!

Erik: (still sleeping) Ha...Ha...Ha

Me: (Blows air-horn in his ears.)

Erik: GAHHHH!

Gustave: Wow...we're actually kinda alike...(shudders)

Erik: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU! IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK IN THE MORNING!

Gustave: 4:59, op nope it 5:00 now.

Erik: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Gustave: Should we dare start or do we want to get to our destination on time?

Me: (Puts car keys in my pocket) Ha, ha, very funny. We're going to see the Judge today.

The boys: WHAT!

Me: Yup. At the end of every month, we go and check in with the Judge to make sure we're making positive progress.

Erik: You really have that much faith in all of us?

Me: (Laughing) Oh 'ell no! But you're still coming. The meetings at 10.

Gustave: Why did you wake us up so early then?

Me: Because we have to go wake up the rest of the musical characters, and get them in the car, some who live in England.

Erik: And you're driving?

Gustave: Aren't you under-aged?

Me: Its my fic. I do what I want.

Erik: I could drive!

Me: You would kill both of us.

Erik: You know me so well.

Me: Let's go wake up everyone else now.

Gustave: What about breakfast?

Me: We'll pick it up on the way.

* * *

_Four hours later...in 2013...with everyone in the car..._

Me: Is everyone here?

Everyone: Yes!

Me: Okay, then, here we go! (stomps on gas pedal)

Joly: How does this car fit all of us?

Me: My fic. I do what I want.

Enjolras: And next time if you want to wake up the barricade boys, don't do it with rabid cats.

Gavroche: Yeah, that ain' cool yo! Don't mess with my hizza' brotha!

Me: I literally didn't understand a single word you said.

Joly: Rabid cats spread so many dies-

Eponine: Don't you know how to wake people up normally?

Gustave: No she doesn't.

Me: You catch on so fast.

Hyde: I also didn't appreciate you throwing firecrackers in my room.

Me: That was Gustave's idea.

Gustave: And you woke up. So it worked.

(Car makes strange noises)

Lucy: What was that?

Courfeyrac: Don't worry, babe. I'll protect you.

Lucy: You could come out of this car, silent, or in an ambulance. Either way is fine with me.

Courf: Fine.

Me: Lucy, its nothing. The car needs gas, that's all.

(Stops at a gas station)

Me: Whatever you do, stay still, and don't talk, don't touch anything, or bring any attention to yourselves.

Jehan: But whhyyyy?

Me: Because having a bunch of old musical characters driving around in your car is not normal, in this day.

Granatire: We can drive?

Me: NO! Especially not you.

Hyde: Awww...

Me: Just do what I say. Gustave, you're in charge. (leaves)

Jean P: Of course she'd pick you.

Gustave: Why?

Marius: Because she likes you.

Hyde: I agree with Fop #2.

Stride, Marius, and Raoul: WE ARE NOT FOPS!

(People outside stare)

Gustave: Really? (Blushes hard)

Emma: And?

Valjean: What?

Emma: Does he like her back?

Gustave: (Turns red)

Jehan: Silence speaks a thousand words.

Raoul: WHAT! MY SON'S IN LOVE WITH THAT DEMONESS?

(Hyde makes inappropriate hand gestures to people at the window.)

Emma: Aren't we not supposed to be talking?

Fantine: Is anyone going to follow that rule?

Me: (climbs into the car) I'm back! (grabs Hyde's hands) No! That gesture is bad in the U.S.

Hyde: I know that. Why else do you think I'm doing it?

Gustave: (looking out the window, completely red)

Me: (touches his cheek, making him even redder.) Are you O.K? (turns) What did you guys do to him?

Hyde: Nothing. We we're just talking to Gustave about you-

Enjolras: (nudges Hyde's ribs.) Euthinizing Granatire.

Granatire: WHAT!

Cosette: Yeah! Granatire has been acting funnier than usual.

Me: So you wanted to put him to sleep... Doesn't he already do that when he's drunk?

Gavroche; Pretty much, yo'!

Javert: So where to, next?

Me: McDonald's, for some breakfast.

Jehan: What's McDonald's?

Me: Fast food. So you drive up to a window, and order food.

Joly: That doesn't sound very sanitary... or good.

Me: Trust me! It's worth it.

* * *

Annoying machine I always want to smash: Hi! Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?

Me: Okay, what does everyone want?

(Chaos ensues)

Me: Calm down, one at a time. And no burgers for breakfast, Valjean.

Jekyll, Hyde, Lucy, Emma, Utterson, Carew, Stride and the Board of Governors: Awww...

_Ten minutes later..._

Me: Okay, I'll have 40 McGriddles, 20 lattes, six Shamrock shakes, three apple juices, and 12 sausage burritos please.

Machine:... Okay, that'll be about 201.34 at the first window...

Me: (hands woman a wad of cash)

Worker: (Shoves like 20 bags into my window)

Me: Thank you!

Worker: Is that the Phantom of the Opera?

Valjean: MY NAME IS JEAN VALJEA-

Erik: DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE!

Me: (stomps on the gas pedal, and nearly runs over a crowd of people.)

Emma: You nearly killed that baby!

Hyde: She should have.

Me: (swerves so Hyde's head hits the window)

Hyde: Owww...

Me: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't see ya there!

Lucy: I have never loved you more.

* * *

_At the courthouse... one hour late..._

Valjean: This stuff is good!

Me: Have I ever lied to you?

Erik: (opens mouth to answer) We-

Me: Don't answer that, Erik!

Judge: (looks outside) Did you guys crash the car?

Me: Correction. _Hyde _crashed the car.

Judge: YOU LET HIM DRIVE?!

Me: No. I got out to fix a flat tire, and Hyde crashed us into a tree.

Hyde: Yup.

Judge: Have you made any progress with them at all?

Me: I have no idea how to answer that...

Hyde: I haven't killed anything for the last two months

Judge: Is that supposed to be a good thing...

Gavroche: Ya, bra.

Judge: And you're still as ghetto as ever.

Gavroche: I now know what I want to do in my life.

Judge: (slightly impressed) And what would that be?

Me: ?

Gavroche: I want to be a pop music producer.

Judge: You do?

Me, and Eponine: You do?

Gavroche: I do!

Judge: (looks at Gustave) Was he at the first trial?

Erik: He is my illegitimate son, Gustave.

Judge: Illegitimate?

Me: (gives him my phone, and plays Beneath A Moonless Sky)

Judge: (Yanks out earphones after about 30 seconds) Okay! TMI!

Christine: Yup, that's my Erik for ya! (Punches him in the arm)

Judge:...(At Gustave) Is he supposed to be here?

Erik: His girlfriend (nudges me) dragged him along.

Judge: YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND YOU DIDN'T TELL M-

Me: HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!

Gustave: WHY ARE WE SPEAKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS?

Me: BECAUSE WE CAN!

Judge: Does this kid need therapy?

Me: Ehh...

Carlotta: SHE SHOVED FIRECRACKERS IN MY WIG!

Me: Gustave helped me!

Judge: All of you need therapy...So I think I should introduce some more people here.

(In walks in the Sweeney Todd people)

Me: (Spit-take) GET THAT SOCIO AWAY FROM ME!

Sweeney: (smiles creepily)

Johanna: This is never gonna work.

Hyde: You're a socio too?

Sweeney: Psycho, not socio.

Hyde: I hate it when people don't get it right.

Sweeney: Me too! How many people did you kill?

Hyde: About nine...Then _someone_ had to kill me.

Jekyll: It was the right thing to do.

Sweeney: That's just weird...

Hyde: How many did you kill?

Sweeney: I lost count...20 maybe?

Me: Dad! Are you insane?

Erik: Is that topic up for debate?

Both: NO!

Judge: It should be a new change...but you dealt with this one fine.

Me: (Leaving with everyone else) I better get paid extra, for this.

* * *

**I have never seen Sweeney Todd, before, so if I get some things wrong don't get mad**


	11. Chapter 11

**Iceflower... Thanks again for following this story, with all your positive feedback., and awesome ship name. You make up about 10 of my reviews! :) But I wish you could PM me instead, if you had an account. Not saying that I don't appreciate your reviews, because they make me scream for joy! **

**Disclaimer: You know I don't own this. P.S. I put an Honest Trailer Hunger games quote on this. Anyone who gets it right gets to pick the next chapter topic, after the movie marathon chapters! Snowfwak6 is a bomb! You get cookies and ice cream. Thank you! I find these entertaining to write.**

**P.S.S Joel Schulmaucher (I don't care how you spell it) cast Ramin Karimloo as Christine's Dad, in the 2004 movie, which angered me immensely. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE PHANTOM! B**

**Here is a chapter dedicated to all my reviewers! Bon appetite!**

* * *

_Chapter 11: In which we watch The Phantom of the Opera._

_(In the cellar with literally everyone, inside)_

Johanna: Is it always this cold in here?

Me: (In English underwear, which is a costume in itself) Yes...but you get used to it.

Johanna: You live here?

Me: Pretty much...

Johanna: Why are you in your bloomers?

Me: This is underwear? You must have been so sweaty in this and a dress!

Erik: (Walks in, and sees everyone. Digs hands into his hair and tries not to scream) Can't you at least tell me, before you call people over?

Me: Nope.

Raoul: (Still wearing a cap) WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT US HE-

Me: Shut up, Fop#1!

Valjean: Yeah...Why are we here?

Me: Guys...

(Everybody ignores)

Me: Hello, guys...

(Nothing)

Johanna: (Screams)

Everyone: ?!

Me: Thank you. Now that I have everyone's attention, we are gathered here today for a movie night.

Hyde: What movie?

Me: Phantom of the Opera.

Everyone but POTO people: YYYAAAAYYYY!

POTO people: No!

Christine: We have a movie?

Me: You have three. We're watching two of them.

Christine: Why not all three?

Me: One of them is silent, with Erik looking like Frankenstein.

Raoul: Doesn't he already look like that?

Me: (sends a pack of fluffy squirrels to attack him)

Stride: Why would we watch it?

Me: Dad told me to take a new approach to therapy, so I thought "why not bring all your mistakes for the world to see?"

Gustave: Am I in this one?

Me: Nope. You're in the next one.

Gustave: Yay! Wait wa-

Me: Let's make popcorn!

* * *

_(One hour later)_

Me: (puts video in) Shhh... its starting!

Meg: Which version is this?

Johanna: 2004, then the 25th anniversary.

Me: RIERRA FOREVER!

Gustave: What's with the candles?

Raoul: Why am I so old?

Me: You get more foppy with age.

Raoul: HEY!

Mini Cosette: Why are you talking to a music box?

Fantine: Shut up! It's the overture!

(We stay quiet, for about ten minutes. But when Carlotta starts to sing...)

On-screen Carlotta: (Opera nonsense)

Me: Ahhh! My eeaaarrrss!

(Everyone covers their ears)

Erik: What?! Carlotta is way fatter than that!

Carlotta: ZEY!

Gustave: No one looks like their character.

Me: Because you guys are 25th anniversary people. Not 2004 cast.

Christine: Quiet...I'm singing!

(Think of Me goes by)

Andre and Firmin: We aren't that fat!

Erik: But you are as stupid!

Lucy: Shhh! Just watch the movie!

(Says quiet until Raoul walks in)

Christine: Where did you get Lotte from Christine?

Stride: Yeah...I could understand Charlotte, but Christine?

Raoul: I don't know.

Me: Just another foppy move.

(Silence until Angel of Music Reprise)

Sweeney: Why would you wholeheartedly trust an older man, in a mask, who lives in your mirror?

Erik: I still can't believe you fell for that.

Christine: You seemed nice...

Johanna: They always seem nice at first.

(Awkward silence, except for the munching of popcorn)

Madame Giry: Why was there a horse underneath the opera house?

Gavroche: How would you feed that brotha', yo?

Erik: Caesar was a great horse, until _someone_ decided to kill him!

Hyde: Fish gotta swim.

Christine: Quiet... It's Music of the Night!

(Thirty seconds of silence)

Erik: That doesn't sound like me at all!

Every girl except me and Johanna: He's so dreamy...

Me: That was weird...

(Phantom runs his hands over Christine)

Me: Op! Rewind! (rewinds it several times)

Raoul: Can you please stop that?

Me: (Pauses) Does this bother you?

Raoul: Very much.

Me: Well in that case...NOPE! (rewinds it for five more minutes)

(Continues with the rest of the song)

Women: Aww...

Me: Don't worry...He'll be back...

(Pause. Screen Christine faints)

Cosette: Why would you show her that, on the first meeting?

Valjean: That's a little bit too forward, even for me!

Me: Don't make dolls of people, Erik. It's just weird...

Gustave: Rule #1: Don't propose on the first date.

Women: (In a trance) He's so hot...

Me: Hello? (snaps fingers in front of eyes) Wake up!

(Women wake up. Silence.)

Me: Christine, where did your stockings go in that scene transition?

Raoul: *eye twitch*

Johanna: Yeah, Christine. Enlighten us!

Christine: Um...I honestly don't know, actually.

Erik: *sniggers*

Meg: Yeah...I wonder what happened...

Raoul: *full body spasm*

(Everyone shoves their faces with popcorn)

Thenaidiers: He has a mask! Why did you rip it off?

Christine: I got curious...

Me: (like a mother scolding a two year old) When someone has a mask... THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO RIP IT OFF!

Eponine: Shh!

(We are actually quiet and civil, with the exception of a couple mutterings of "Idiot", until Carlotta becomes the countess)

Enjolras: Here comes Screechy!

Carlotta: Zhat's mean!

Granatire: It's true!

Mrs: Lovett: Why is Christine a guy?

Andre and Firmin: (shift around nervously)

Carlotta: How zhard would zit have bbbeeen zo make a zuy play Serafimo?

Madame Giry: You brought this on yourselves.

Buquet: And now I die!

...

Valjean: How did you speak without moving your lips?

Me: Christine, the Phantom can hear everything in the opera house, and has a tendency to stalk you. GOING ON THE ROOF IS NOT GOING TO MAKE THINGS SUDDENLY SAFER!

Lucy: You freaked out after the guy killed one person! I still stayed with Hyde, even after he killed nine!

Christine: Because he threatened to kill you...twice.

Lucy:...

Eponine: Calling him ugly is also not a good idea since he seems a bit homicidal, right now.

Erik: That stung... a lot.

(Screen Raoul and Christine start to sing "All I Ask of You")

Erik: *eye twitch*

Raoul: (rubbing it in) I love this song.

(Screen Christine/Emmy Rossum, starts singing)

Erik: (covers eyes and ears) LA, LA LA, LA, LA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Johanna: Its over now, Erik.

Erik: (opens eyes to see Christine and Raoul kissing) GAHHH!

Me: That was awesome! (fist bump)

Screen Raoul: Christine I looooovvvveee yoooouuuu!

Erik: I should have thrown you off the roof, when I had the chance.

Jean P: You had the chance, man.

Hippie Emma: Make love, dude! Not war.

Me: (Seethes at her)

Johanna: Wasn't he suppose to crash the chandelier?

Erik: Why didn't that happen?

Azelma: Intermission. I'm going for a popcorn refill!

* * *

_Ten minutes later..._

Screen Firmin:...It's a shame that Phantom fellow isn't here!

Mrs. Lovett: Way to jinx it!

Madame Giry: Why did we organize a masquerade ball, when there was a pycho/Phantom/murderer running around that wore a mask?

Meg, Andre, and Firmin: (shrugs)

Screen ensemble, POTO people and me: MASQUERADE! PAPER FACES ON PARADE! MASQUERADE! HIDE YOUR FACE SO THE WORLD WILL NEVER FIND YOU!

(Screen Two-Face begins dancing)

Me: That is 1800's dubstep, for ya!

Christine: I don't remember that guy...

Marius: I see Batman! (if you don't get this, watch 2004 POTO masquerade, and when that guy starts dancing, keep your eyes on the right side of the screen. You can see him!)

Little Cosette: And I see Cat-woman!

Fantine: I'm Cat-Woman!

Courfeyrac: Everyone looks like a second rate Lady Gaga.

Granatire: Or Katy Perry.

Joly: True, True...

Christine: Ohh! I'm back! And engaged to Raoul!

Erik: *eye twitch*

Combeferre: Is your hair... _curled_?

(Hysteric laughter)

Screen ensemble: STOP AND STARE! LET THE SPECTACLE ASTOUND YOU! (Phantom appears)

Jehan: You know you could have snuck in without anyone noticing, since you kinda blended in, for like once!

Eponine: ZORRO!

Javert: How many masks do you have?

Erik: A lot.

Carew: Raoul, where did you go?

Raoul: To get my sword. Where did everyone think I went?

Me: To the bathroom.

(More hysterical laughter)

Raoul: I did not!

Anthony: Of course you didn't. Because leaving your fiancée with a homicidal, mentally unstable man who has a bunch of power over her is safe.

(Screen Raoul comes back with a sword)

Raoul: See?

Me: But poof! He's gone. Done insulting people who deserve it.

(More munching popcorn. Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again starts)

Javert: Why are you wearing _that,_ and singing in a graveyard?

Christine: Raoul got that for me!

Javert: You have odd taste.

Cosette: Its Gerik!

Women: (Fangirl scream)

(Gerik and Raoul start epically sword-fighting)

Raoul: See! I totally won that!

Erik: I was beating you until you tripped me!

Raoul: And Christine saved your butt.

Erik: At least I didn't collapse when I go slashed in the arm!

Raoul: You ruined my favorite shirt!

Me: Oooooo...rumble!

Johanna: (Calms them down) What's with all the cape swishing?

Erik: When you got it, flaunt it!

(silence)

Me: RAMIN SHOULD HAVE PLAYED THE PHANTOM IN BOTH! (punches a hole through the chair)

Gustave: (Scoots away)

...

Eponine: ZORRO IS BACK!

Joly: How did no one notice that the Phantom killed Piagi?

Carlotta: ZHAT VAS ALL YOUR VAULT!

Screen Gerik: WHAT RAGING FIRE SHALL FLOOD THE SO-

Me: Does anyone else think that it's mildly disturbing that Christine let the Phantom touch her neck, when his ideal weapon of choice is a noose?

Christine: Man, I need to remember that.

Raoul: *eye twitch* At least it's almost over.

Me: Thank you for reminding me. (rewinds it several times)

Raoul: (Convulses on the floor)

Erik: (Keeps hitting replay button)

Raoul: (Foams, and has seizures)

Me: (snatching it away from him) Let's finish the movie.

(Christine rips off Phantom's mask)

Anthony: That's what he's been hiding from the world? I've had sunburns worse than that!

Christine: I thought your face was worse, than that...

Me: We have yet to see the 25th anniversary, which is loads better.

Women: But this one is perfect!

Johanna: You just think Gerald Butler is gorgeous, don't you?

Women: Pretty much...Whose the guy with the curled hair?

Raoul: (Bangs his head against the wall)

Erik: I cut down the chandelier before that!

Bishop from Les Mis: That is why you need therapy, man...

Hippie Emma: How many people did you kill?

Erik: (shrugs)

...

Jekyll: Kidnapping the girl you like, and threatening to kill her boyfriend is not the way to get her to like you!

Gavroche: C'mon kill the fop, kill the fop!

Raoul: Hey! I'm right here!

Anthony: In that cause, BURN THE FOP, BURN THE FOP!

Me: Raoul, you must have a diaphragm of steel to be able to sing while being strangled. I'll give you that.

Johanna: It's just a waste of energy, really.

Joly: Very true, girl. Very true.

(Sipping of drinks)

Raoul: (spit-take) WHY DID YOU KISS HIM TWICE?!

Erik: Because she digs me, man.

Me: Where did you learn to say that?

Erik: Some show called "Jersey Shore"...It's quite good, actually.

Johanna: Don't watch it. It's bad.

Raoul: No one answered my question!

Me: She's gonna kiss him waaayy more in Love Never Dies.

Raoul: WHA-

Enjolras: Oh look, the old geezer is back, with that creepy monkey box.

Christine: I DIED?!

Me: (patting her back) You'll like the 25th anniversary better, I promise. You live till the end in that one.

Marius: Unlike Love Never Dies...

Christine: WHA-

Me: Op, movie's over. How did you guys like it?

Everyone except POTO: CHEERS!

Me: Well we're watching it again next week.

Raoul: Again?

Me: Yes my foppy friend... ENCORE!

* * *

**Please R&R!**


	12. Chapter 12

**This chapter is dedicated to AzureOtter! Sorry about your hectic week! Iceflower, I sent a truckfull of Edy's ice cream to your house. And we are having a movie marathon, so lots of sarcastic comments, are coming your way! Gustave is big in the next chapter. So I have to watch LND now... and Sweeney Todd... I really don't want to watch LND. P.S. I wasn't trying to insult Gerald Butler...I think he's the best screen Phantom. But Ramin is the bomb!**

**Disclaimers: If I owned POTO, LM, LND, or J+H, the endings would have been different. In LND's case, Meg would have shot Raoul, instead of Christine. BWBWAHAHAHAHAHAH!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Chapter Eleven: In which we watch Phantom of the Opera...again...And everyone cries._

_(One week later...In the Phantom's lair)_

Me: (still in super comfy bloomers) Two queens. (lays down two cards)

Gavroche: Five nines (lays down nine cards)

Johanna: Three Aces. (lays down three cards)

Gustave: BS.

Johanna: Aww, c'mon! (Takes back all the cards)

Erik: (Walks in) What are you guys doing?

Gavroche: Playing BS.

Erik: Why?

Johanna: Because we don't know how to play poker.

Erik: What does that stand for?

Gustave: *makes random sounds*

Erik: I will not have that kind of language in my house, Mister!

Gustave: I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!

Erik: Is that _money_ in the corner?

Johanna: Prize for whoever wins. I think Gav and Rafiya are tied.

Erik: You're gambling?

Me: Yes. Man, you catch on slow.

Erik: Don't you people have school work to do, or something?

Me: It's summer. Since when do you care about our education?

Erik: I don't. But when you have school work, you can magically can it.

Johanna: Apply ice to the area of burn!

Gavroche: You 18, and you don't can it neither, homie.

Erik:... Where is everybody? Aren't we supposed to have a movie night tonight?

Me: You're looking forward to it?

Erik: Not at all. I'm in it to insult the fop, and eat popcorn.

Johanna: That's why we're all here, brotha'.

Erik: His ghetto-yness is rubbing off on you!

Gavroche: Do you mind if I invited some extra people?

Gustave: Who would these people be?

(Oliver! cast walks in)

Me: (Attacks Billy Stikes) YOU KILLED NANC-

Oliver: Language!

The Artful Dodger: I like her.

(Johanna pulls me off of him)

Nancy: No, I'm okay... really.

(Everyone else piles in, covered in rain)

Beaconsfield: (In baggy khakis, tie-dye sweats, and neon green go-go boots) Sorry we're late. There was a lot of traffic, between the caridges.

The Artful Dodger: Whoa... That is creepy looking...

Me: Were you guys here last time?

Bishop B: We were _giving to charities._

Johanna: Glossop, what were you actually doing?

Glossop: Clubbin'

Gustave: Gross.

Fagin: We heard there was a movie night from Gav, and we decided to come over... Is that okay?

Me:...

Gavroche: (puppy dog eyes)

Me: GAHH! Fine! But no stealing!

Fagin: Awww... This movie better be good.

Me: It is.

(Lucy walks in)

Nancy: Lucy?

Lucy: Nancy? Its been forever!

(They hug, squealing like school-girls)

Gustave: You know each other?

Nancy: We're like the same person!

Lucy: Yeah! Both of us were killed by our _scummy boyfriends, _in a search for a new life.

Me: Okay...

Lucy: Now what was it I was hearing about a movie?

* * *

_(One hour later. Everyone has popcorn, and is cuddled up in warm blankets)_

Rose: It's starting!

Fagin: What's a movie?

Johanna: It's like a moving picture, that speaks.

The Artful Dodger: Whose the old guy?

Granatire: That would be Mr. Fop over here. (pats Raoul's back)

Artful Dodger: Is this movie about him?

POTO people: Actually it's about us.

Erik: Especially me.

Rose: (in a trance) Pretty mask. (reaches for it)

Christine: Touch it, and he'll kill you.

Piagi: He killed me and a stage-hand.

Rose: Okay...(scoots away)

Little Cosette: Is thwat man going senile, mommy?

Raoul: I'M NOT SENILE!

Sweeney: That's what they all say... then I kill them.

Rose: How many murderers are actually in this room?

Me: (Counts on fingers) Well there's, the Mask Man (Erik), Twitchy the scientist-gone-Drug-Addict(Hyde), Billy Bob Joe over there (Billy Stikes), The Barber of Seville (Sweeney), The Ballerina (Meg) and The Under-taker's Wife (Mrs. Lovett). So that makes...

Rose: (pales) Nine...

Me: No...that makes 5.

Gustave: No it doesn't! It makes 3!

Johanna: You guys are all really dumb...

Me: I'm joking! I know its four.

Meg: I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE!

Me: In LND, you did!

Erik: Sequels count?

Johanna: Yes. Sequels count, no matter how crappy they are.

Rose: You guys live down here?

Me and Gustave: Pretty much...

Eponine: Look! Pretty chandelier!

(Overture plays)

Screen Carlotta: (More Opera Nonsense)

Erik: She's more tolerable in this one...

Carlotta: I am zoo good...

Me: That is a matter of opinion.

Carlotta: (Seethes)

Johanna: And there's Walrus.

Me: He's not that fat!

Piagi: (Hugs me) You're less of a demon than I had originally thought...

Me: Thank you...wait, HEY!

(Back-drop falls on Screen Carlotta's head)

Gustave: You must have a head of metal, to survive that and still scream at the directors.

Piagu: She does.

Erik: (laughs) That was fun.

Feuilly: You're a nutcase.

Me: You just figured that out now?

(Screen Christine starts to sing 'Think of Me')

Fagin: She's hot.

Me: Sicko.

Christine: I love this song so much...

Erik: Then the fop started singing, and he ruined it.

Raoul: I like the way I sound!

Javert: He's not that bad of a singer... actually.

Me: Depends on the version. But Haley Fraser is the best Raoul.

Raoul: Who's that?

Johanna: That's you.

Raoul: Ohh.

(Christine throws herself on the floor)

Valjean: We get that you're bowing, but why throw yourself on the floor?

Javert: Yeah. That sounded painful.

Christine: I tripped on my dress and fell. Man, my hands still hurt.

...

(Screen Giry yells at ballet girls)

Granatire: Are you always that strict?

Madame Giry: They caught me on a Monday. I hate Mondays.

Christine: Doesn't everyone?

Meg: For a ballet instructor, you don't do any ballet in the entire production. Does anyone else find that weird?

Buquet: Yeah...

Gavroche: That's messed up in my hizza, yo'!

Christine: She'd probably break all her brittle, old lady bones if she tried.

Madame Giry: (Hits Christine over the head with her cane)

(Little Lotte)

Glossop: Where did you get Lotte from? Her name's Christine.

Fantine: Don't get them started. We had a long discussion about Raoul's lack of creativity and sense, in creating nicknames.

Johanna: I looked up the definition of 'lotte' in the French-to-English dictionary, and it's a type of fish, with a wormy tongue and a big mouth.

Erik: *snickers*

Christine: You were calling me a fish?

Barricade Boys: (Laugh hysterically)

Raoul: No! I wasn't! Lotte is a fairy tale character that I read in a book!

Les Mis Bishop: You read fairy tales?

Everyone: (More hysterical laughter)

Screen Christine: ...No - what I love best, Lotte said,  
is when I'm asleep in my bed  
and the Angel of Music sings songs in my head!

Hyde: That is the most stalkerish thing I have ever heard any girl say.

Screen Raoul + Christine: The angel of music sings songs in my head!

Combeferre: Are you agreeing with her?

Courfeyrac: You haven't even met the Phantom yet!

Raoul: I wasn't taking about the Phantom! I was talking about Christine! She is my Angel of Music.

Christine: Awww... And you are my Angel of Hotness.

Johanna: How romantic...

Cosette: He's so sweet.

Me: (clutching my stomach) I think I'm gonna be sick.

_..._

Screen Phantom: Flattering child you shall know me-

Joly: Again, why would you trust a masked older man, who you've never seen?

Valjean: Why is your mirror so big?

Anthony: (munching on popcorn) Its like a fun-house mirror...

Erik: How else do you think I got in?

Screen Phantom: I AM YOUR ANGEL OF MUSIC! COME TO ME ANGEL OF MUUUSSSICCC!

Every female in the room: (In a trance)

Grantaire: Azelma!

Azelma: (in a trance) Angel of music, hide no longer...

Marius: Cosette... Cosette! (Snaps fingers in front of her face) Wake up!

Cosette: (Still in trance) I am your angel of music...

Anthony: Johanna, wake up! (Shakes her violently.)

Johanna: (Trance-like) The angel of music sings songs in my head...

Enjolras: Eponine! Eponine, can you hear me?

Eponine: (Doesn't respond)

Me: (Pauses movie) Aw come on!

Jehan: Its like they're all drunk!

Gustave: How come you're not in an Erik- induced coma trance thing?

Me: Because I've seen this movie many times, and I'm not a weak-minded musical character, like you guys.

Feuilly: HEY!

Raoul: (to Erik) Can you stop doing that?

Erik: (cockily) I can't help it if girls find me irresistible.

Javert: They find your _voice_ irresistible. Not your face.

Erik: Shut up, or I sic my phangirls on you.

Phangirls: WE FIGHT FOR ERIK!

Raoul: Whatever. Just how do you snap them out of it?

Me: It's gonna cost you?

Sweeney: How much we talking?

Me: 50 bucks

Valjean: 30

Me: 51

Anthony: 35

Me: 55

Marius: 45?

Me: Done. (Gathers cash, and counts it) This was a steal.

Granatire: Whatever. Just do it!

Me: (pulls out an air-horn, singing) Wishing you were somehow here again!

Erik: She can _sing?_

Me: (blows air-horn)

Females: (wake up)

Enjolras: Since when could you sing? All I've heard you sing was modern trashy music.

Me: I've taken lessons since I was 10. Couldn't you hear me?

Erik: I must've done a_ really_ good job of tuning you two out.

Gustave and Me: HEY!

Azelma: (Rubbing her head) What just happened?

Granatire: You were in a trance for a little bit...

Me: How are we supposed to get to the end of the movie, if you guys keep doing this? (Mumbling) We haven't even gotten to Music of the Night yet.

Marius: We're never gonna finish this...

Me: Sure we will! All I have to do is blow an air-horn after every Erik song. But it should wear off a lot after they see his face.

Erik: HEY!

Me: You know its true.

Hyde: I'll be deaf by the end of this...

Gustave: Of course you will.

* * *

Screen Phantom: SING ONCE AGAIN WITH MEEEE-

Cosette: Why are you guys walking across the same catwalk, over and over, agai-

Me: Can it, Blondie. This is my favorite song.

Gustave: (to Erik) Did you just throw Mom into a door?

Erik: No. I did not!

Christine: Yes you did.

Little Cosette: Ohh! Pretty boat!

Leglse: How are you singing and still paddling that thing?

Erik: I'm just awesome like that.

Screen Christine: (Does her high note thing)

Men except Marius and Erik: (covering ears) GAHH! IT'S SOO HIGH!

Marius: I live with Cosette, soo...

Me:...

Screen Phantom: SILENTLY THE SENSSEEES ABANDON THEIR DEFENSESESSSS!

Me: (Pauses the movie)

Everyone: WHAT?

Me: Do you see that?

Fantine: See what?

Me: (points at the screen) Erik has a tattoo!

Christine: What?

(I roll up Erik's sleeve)

Erik: What the heck?

Granatire: Where did you get that?

Me: The actor who played him has it.

Christine: It looks... cool.

Jehan: Can we un - pause the movie now?

(Respectful silence until Screen Christine faints)

Feuilly: Is there a time when you don't faint?

Meg: There was nothing there...

Erik: Where's the Christine mannequin?

Me: They couldn't fit it on the stage.

Christine: I had the urge.

Azelma: That makes no sense at all.

Me: (blows air-horn)

Eponine, and other girls: OWWW?! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

Me: Just making sure you're trance-free. Onward, Holmes!

Screen Phantom: (Does his whole composing thing)

(Music box plays)

Javert: That's music, in 30 years?

Cosette: What is this world coming to?

Erik: I became world- famous because of that!

Mr. Thenairdier: How did you not walk up to that loud organ playing, but wake up to a soft creepy monkey musical box?

Christine: Where did you even get that thing?

Erik: Pawn shop.

Screen Christine: (tries to rip off the Phantom's mask)

Erik: Why did you do that?

Christine: I wanted to see your face.

Glossop: How did you not notice that she was right next to you?

Johanna: Yeah dude, she gave you, like, seven hints saying "I want to take off your mask", before-hand.

Erik: (crosses arms) And when would that be?

Granatire: Like the entire Music of the Night sequence! She was staring at it an touching it, like the entire time.

Erik: But I pulled her hand away.

Jekyll: (to Christine) You really can't take a hint, can you?

Christine: At least I wasn't stupid enough to continue a hair-brained experiment that ended up killing four people, in one song sequence.

Hyde: Last time I counted, it was five.

Jekyll: Shut up!

Screen Phantom: (Over-reacts) DAMN YOU, YOU LITTLE PRYING PANDOR-

Legles: Don't you thing that was a bit melodramatic?

Erik: Nope.

Gavroche: Did he just call her a motherfu-

Me: No! He said "you little viper"

Erik: I'm not that vulgar.

Johanna: You haven't done a good job of proving that, so far.

Screen Phantom: (throws Christine onto the ground)

Joly: You seem to have a tendency to do that.

Raoul: *smirks*

Erik: I've never abandoned her, unlike the Vicomte Fop.

Raoul: No kidding, Sherlock! You were stalking her.

Erik: Watching over her. I was _constantly_ watching over her.

Me: That basically means stalking.

Erik: Constantly watching over her. Say it with me. _Con-stant-ly watch-ing ov-er her._ Like a guardian angel.

Cosette: Or a stalker.

Legles: Marius stalked you, though. And you seemed quite thrilled with that.

Cosette: No, he didn't.

Joly: How did you think he knew where you lived without knowing your name?

Marius: I hired Eponine to stalk you!

Eponine: Hey. Don't be throwin' me under the bus, boy, unless you can (snap in z-formation) back-it-up!

Mme. Thenairdier: No more Jersey Shore for you...

Johanna: Let's try to be quiet.

(Munching and choking on popcorn until Prima Donna)

Javert: He dropped a backdrop on your head, woman. He doesn't want you to perform!

Screen Phantom: A disaster beyond your imagination will occur!

Gav: Were you going to unleash a pack of Bon Jovi obsessed leprechauns on the Opera Populaire?

Erik: No

Artful Dodger: Were you gonna make it hail marbles on Carlotta, when she sang?

Erik: Good idea, but no.

Me: Were you gonna launch Piagi, trapped in a rubber band ball, in a catapult to Ireland.

Erik: No?

Gustave: Were you gonna cover Carlotta in h-

Erik: Obviously, you all have very active imaginations, but no.

Fagin: Then what did you do?

Erik: I crashed the chandelier.

Artful Dodger: That isn't very creative at all.

Erik: If some _managers_ had agreed with me, and done what I had said, maybe I wouldn't have had to _improvise._

Gustave: Weak.

(Munching of chocolate bars until Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh)

Old Fool Carlotta is singing about: (stares at Christine's butt) Though I would gladly take her with me. (rubs hands)

Me: Perv.

* * *

Screen Christine and Raoul: LOVE ME THAT'S ALL I ASK OF YOU!

Erik: *full body spasm*

Gustave: Mom...EWWWW!

Me: True dat.

(Phantom Appears.)

Artful Dodger: You sound like a girl.

Erik: (Plays a soundtrack of him singing)

Me: It's okay, Artie D. We feel ya...

Artie D: Never call me that.

Me: I do what I want.

Eponine: Intermission. I'm gonna get some more Oreos.

* * *

Screen Ensemble: MASQUERADE! PAPER FACES ON PARADE! MASQUERADE!

Little Cosette: CLOWNS! AHHH...(runs away screaming)

Christine: It's not that bad!

Ensemble: MASQUERADE!

Christine: Never mind. We looked like we just walked out of a Cirque des Ole freak show.

Billy Stikes: Hey look! It's Henry VII's ghost!

Erik: That was me.

Oliver Cast: We all knew that.

Screen Phantom: I HAVE WRITTEN YOU AN OPERA! HERE I BRING THE FINISHED SCORE! _DON JUAN TRIUMPHANT!_

Lucy: So that's what that excessive organ banging was? No wonder it took you six months!

Erik: (Pulls out lasso)

Me: (Glare)

Fagin: How did you not set the stage on fire?

Erik: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, that's why.

Madame Giry: (Dumps out contents of his popcorn bowl) No more popcorn for you!

Raoul: *snickers*

...

Gustave: Mom, when are you going to realize this guy is not your dad?

Christine: So help me, I will ground you for a mo-

Gustave: I don't live with you anymore!

Christine: Why! I outta deck yo-

Me: Ladies, ladies. You're both pretty. Now please, close the word hole.

Screen Roaul: THIS THING IS NOT YOUR FATHER!

Me: Duh.

Erik: Thing...and you wonder why I don't like you.

* * *

Screen Ensemble: HERE THE SIRE SERVE THE DAM! HERE THE MASTER TAKES HIS MEEEAAATTTTT-

Lucy: They all sound drunk.

Erik: That's the point.

Lucy: That's not what I meant.

Me: (warningly) Erik...

Billy Stikes: Hey, there's You Baldo, again!

Piagi: Ubaldo.

Screen Piagi: WHEN IT'S LATE AND MODESTY STARTS TO MEDDLE WITH THE WINE, YOU WILL CO-

Fantine: Cosette, I left my scarf in the opera house. Will you go get it for me?

Little Cosette: Fine...(runs away)

Screen Piagi: WHERE, OH, WHERE, OF COURSE! MY ROOM!

Carlotta: You are so lucky you were killed before that scene.

Me: Why?

Carlotta: 'Cause I woulda killed him anyways.

Screen Phantom covered in a black sheet: IN YOUR MIND YOU'VE ALREADY SUCCUMBED TO ME! DRO-

Christine: So your character is supposed to get my character drunk, and bed me?

Erik:...

Christine and I: That is demented.

(Phantom touches Christine's neck)

Fagin: Again with the neck!

Gustave: Mom, why do you keep letting him do that?

Christine: Oh look, a moth...

Screen Christine: IN MY MIND I'VE ALREADY IMAGINED OUR BODIES ENTWINING-

Me; (nudges Raoul) REWIND!

* * *

Raoul: (crying after I rewound it 20 times)

Me: Erik. I think you're over-reacting with this whole unmasking thing.

Everyone: True dat

(We actually see his face)

Women: Whoa!

Little Cosetta: (walks in, sees his screen face, and screams) MONSTE-

Fantine: (covers her mouth)

Erik: Oh jeez.

Gypsy Master: That child fell down a tree, and hit his face on every branch. No one deserves to see that.

Me: You're not in this version.

Gypsy Master: (disappears)

* * *

_End of final lair scene...everyone is in tears..._

Christine: (crying) I was so stupid.

Erik: (crying) I can't believe I actually didn't kill that half-wit.

Raoul: (teary-eyed) I can't believe you kissed him twice.

Everyone: (glare)

Me: (sobbing) Enjolras..._ your barricade boys are crying?_

Barricade boys: We sat on Granatire's broken beer bottles.

Gustave: Sure...

Screen Phantom: (crying too) YOU ALONE COULD MAKE MY SONG TAKE FLIGHT! IT'S OVER NOW THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT!

Me and Johanna: NOOOOO! (fall into each others arms, sobbing)

Raoul: Yay! I don't have to see his face anymore!

Me: (attacks him

* * *

**This chapter took so long...uhhhhggg. Please R&R. There will be no LND chapter or drug chapter, but there will be a lot more chapters. Next movie in the marathon is Jekyll and Hyde.**


	13. Chapter 13

**This chapter is dedicated to all the Jekkies out there! J+H FOREVER! AzureOtter the plot line is below, for the musical, and the entire thing is on YouTube. Watch it. It's the best musical since Phantom and Les Mis! Btw, I'm not allowed to use beep anymore, no more swearing... BUT MORE FOP TORTURES!**

**I wrote this at one in the morning so please forgive me.**

**Disclaimers: I don't own anything but my OC. My neck hurts a bunch, and I'm having double vision...**

* * *

**Act I**

**The audience is introduced to John Utterson and Sir Danvers Carew, both having been associated with Doctor Henry Jekyll. Utterson was Jekyll's lawyer and best friend while Sir Danvers was Jekyll's future father-in-law. The two gentlemen take the audience back some time to find Jekyll in an insane asylum singing over his comatose father ("Lost in the Darkness"). It is Jekyll's belief that the evil in his father's soul has caused his illness. Jekyll tells the audience about his passion to find out why man is both good and evil and his attempts to separate the good from the evil ("I Need to Know"*).**

**Some time later, the rich and poor of 19th century London describe how people act how they want others to see them, no matter who they really are inside ("Façade"). Afterward, Jekyll presents a research proposal to the Board of Governors of St. Jude's Hospital. Sir Danvers, the chairman of the board, is in attendance along with His Grace Rupert the 14th Bishop of Basingstoke, the Right Honorable Sir Archibald "Archie" Proops, Lord Theodore "Teddy" Savage, Lady Elizabeth "Bessie" Beaconsfield, General Lord Glossop and Simon Stride, the secretary. All, with the exception of Sir Danvers and Stride, are pompous, rich semi-hypocrites. When Jekyll proposes to test his theory and his formula on a human subject (presumably his father), they reject the proposal with cries of "sacrilege, lunacy, blasphemy, heresy", voting five to none with Sir Danvers' one abstention ("Jekyll's Plea"). Utterson tries to calm Jekyll down, knowing that he is obsessed over his father's conditions. Jekyll feels that he could "save" those who have fallen in the same darkness. Utterson urges his friend, if he feels he is right about his theory, that he should continue ("Pursue the Truth").**

**Later that night, the toast of society turns up at Sir Danvers' residence at Regent's Park, partially famous for its architecture, which is inspired by John Nash, therefore having a well maintained facade, where he is throwing a glittering and possibly superficial engagement party for his daughter Emma's engagement to Dr. Jekyll, for which he is late ("Façade (reprise #1)"). During the party, the guests - which include the Governors and Stride - mention how worried they are about Emma being engaged to a "madman," but both Sir Danvers and Emma back up Jekyll. Stride, who has feelings for Emma, speaks to Emma in private and tries to reason her out of her engagement, but she quickly turns him down, saying she feels she can be who she wants to be with ("Emma's Reasons").**

**Jekyll arrives late as usual - just before the party leaves to go see the fireworks - and shares a moment with Emma. Though he warns her he may always busy with his work, Emma swears she will be beside him through it all ("Take Me as I Am"). Sir Danvers returns as Jekyll leaves, and expresses to Emma that he considers Jekyll like a son to him, but finds it difficult to tolerate his behavior at the cost of losing his daughter. Emma assures him that he will never lose her, and they should not be afraid to let go ("Letting Go").**

**Jekyll and Utterson later go to the dregs of Camden Town known as "The Red Rat" for Jekyll's bachelor party ("Façade (reprise #2)"). Prostitute Lucy Harris arrives late and is in for some trouble with the boss, known as 'Spider', but she dismisses it for now. Despite her position in life, she is seen to be kind-hearted and well liked by her co-workers, but has moments of contemplation about her life ("No One Knows Who I Am").**

**Nellie, the German manageress of "The Red Rat", then breaks Lucy's reverie and then sends her out onstage to do her number ("Good and Evil"**), which captivates Jekyll. After the number, Lucy begins to circulate among the clientele. Spider approaches Lucy and after striking her hard across the face, threatens to kill her if she is late again. Jekyll approaches Lucy after witnessing the Spider's actions and intends to help her as Utterson is led away by another bar girl. Jekyll and Lucy are drawn to each other in a way that promises each of them a great friendship. Jekyll admits Lucy's song has helped him find the answer to his experiment. Utterson reemerges and Jekyll admits that he must be on his way. Before he goes, he gives Lucy his visiting card and asks her to see him should she ever need a friend ("Here's to the Night").**

**As Utterson and Jekyll arrive at the latter's residence, Utterson notices that Jekyll is in a better mood. Jekyll informs him that he has found a subject for his experiments. Utterson recommends Jekyll to go straight to bed and departs. Jekyll dismisses his butler, Poole, for the night and proceeds to his laboratory, excited that the moment has come to conduct his experiment ("This Is the Moment"). Keeping tabs on the experiment in his journal, Jekyll mixes his chemicals to create his formula, HJ7, and injects it into the subject: himself. After a minute of the potion's side effects, he writhes in pain, and is taken over by an alternate, aggressive personality ("First Transformation"). He gleefully goes out and roams the streets, taking in the sights and sounds of London while tormenting innocent bystanders, which includes an abusive encounter with Lucy. Jekyll's alternate personality gives himself a name: Edward Hyde ("Alive").**

**A week later, no one has heard anything from Jekyll. Emma, Sir Danvers and Utterson ask Poole where he is, but Emma decides to leave and believes Jekyll will come for her after his work is finished. After Emma and Sir Danvers leave, Poole tells Utterson that Jekyll has been locked in his lab all this time and that he has heard strange sounds from the lab. Jekyll, who seems distraught, emerges and sends Poole to fetch some chemicals for him. Utterson confronts Jekyll about his bizarre behavior, but Jekyll brushes this off. He instead gives Utterson three letters: one for Emma, another for her father, and one for Utterson himself should Jekyll become ill or disappear. Suspicious and concerned, Utterson warns Jekyll to not let his work take over his life. Meanwhile Emma and Sir Danvers argue about the prudence of Emma's marriage to a man who seems to be falling into an ever-deepening abyss. Emma again tells her father that she understands that Jekyll's work is important ("His Work and Nothing More").**

**After Utterson departs, Lucy arrives at Jekyll's residence with a nasty bruise on her back. As Jekyll treats her wound, she tells him a man named Hyde inflicted it. Jekyll is stunned by this revelation but hides it. Feeling compassion for Jekyll for being kind to her, Lucy kisses him ("Sympathy, Tenderness"). Disturbed by his own actions, Jekyll leaves Lucy, who wonders about her love for him ("Someone Like You").**

**Later, the Bishop of Basingstoke is seen with Nellie after having a "meeting" with one of her underage attendants. He pays Nellie and arranges to see the attendant next Wednesday. When Nellie and the attendant leave, Hyde appears holding a swordstick with a heavy pewter knob. After insulting the Bishop, Hyde proceeds to beat and stab him to death with the swordstick before gleefully setting the body aflame ("Alive (reprise)").**

**Act II[edit]**

**Utterson and Sir Danvers speak to the audience once again of past events with Jekyll: Utterson begins to feel he was not able to help his poor client and friend, while Danvers senses that something is horribly wrong with his work, as he has not been seen or heard from for weeks.**

**The citizens of London gossip about the Bishop's murder as Hyde hunts down and kills General Glossop, Sir Proops, Lady Beaconsfield, and Lord Savage. By now, all five Governors who rejected Jekyll's proposal are dead ("Murder, Murder"). Later one night, Emma lets herself into Jekyll's laboratory. She finds his journal open and reads one of his entries. Jekyll enters and immediately closes the journal, preventing her from learning what he has become. Emma can see he is distraught. She professes her love for him and begs him to confide in her ("Once Upon a Dream"). He tells her nothing of his work, but says he still loves her. After Emma leaves, Jekyll writes in his journal that Hyde has taken a heavy toll on him and those around him, and that the transformations are occurring of their own accord. His entry is interrupted when Utterson arrives at the lab, seeking to find out who Jekyll's sole heir is, Edward Hyde, as referred to in Jekyll's letter. Jekyll only tells him that Hyde is a "colleague" involved in the experiment. Utterson can see that his friend is desperately ill and agrees to obtain the rest of the chemicals Jekyll requires. Jekyll, once again alone, begins to face the fact that Hyde is a part of him . Emma and Sir Danvers begin to contemplate Jekyll's situation. ("Your Work and Nothing More"***). At the same time, both Lucy and Emma wonder about their love for the same man ("In His Eyes").**

**At "The Red Rat", Nellie and Lucy consider their profession and why they keep doing it. Lucy is then visited by Hyde, who tells her that he is going away for a while. He then warns her to never leave him. Lucy is terrified, but seems to be held under a sexual, animalistic control by Hyde ("Dangerous Game"). As they leave together, 'Spider' addresses the "Red Rat" attendants, warning them to always be aware of what dangers lie ahead ("Façade (reprise #3)").**

**Utterson comes to Jekyll's lab with the rest of the chemicals and discovers Hyde, who informs him that the doctor is "not available" tonight. Utterson refuses to leave the package with anyone but his friend and demands to know where he is. Hyde replies that even if he told him, Utterson would not believe him. When Utterson threatens him with his swordstick, Hyde injects the formula into himself, roaring with laughter as he reverts to Jekyll in front of an appalled Utterson. Jekyll tells Utterson that Hyde must be destroyed, whatever the cost. He then begs Utterson to deliver money for Lucy so she can escape to safety. As Utterson leaves, Jekyll mixes in chemicals and injects the new formula, fearing that he might lose his mind forever, and praying that he can restore his former life ("The Way Back").**

**Utterson visits Lucy at "The Red Rat" with the money, along with a letter from Jekyll that entreats her to leave town and start a new life elsewhere. After Utterson leaves, Lucy wonders of the possibilities ahead ("A New Life"). Just then, Hyde returns. Seeing the letter from Jekyll, he tells Lucy that he and the doctor are "very close" and that they "share everything". As he holds Lucy softly so that she does not suspect it, he slowly and savagely stabs her multiple times before slitting her throat ("Sympathy, Tenderness (reprise)"). The vile murderer runs off laughing, just as the "Red Rat" attendants find Lucy's body and carry her out on a stretcher. Covered in Lucy's blood, Jekyll returns to his laboratory and faces off with Hyde in a final battle for control ("Confrontation").**

**Later, Utterson tells the audience that Jekyll has given up his task of "finding the truth," condemning his father to the darkness. Yet, as Sir Danvers would put it, the doctor had returned at the sound of wedding bells ("Façade (reprise #4)"). Several weeks later, Jekyll seems to have regained control as he and Emma stand before the priest at their wedding in St. Anne's Church. As the Minister begins the ceremony, Jekyll doubles over in pain and transforms into Hyde. Hyde then kills Stride, a guest at the wedding, before taking Emma hostage. At the sound of Emma's pleading voice, Jekyll is able to regain momentary control. He begs Utterson to kill him, but Utterson cannot bring himself to harm his friend. Desperate, Jekyll impales himself on Utterson's swordstick. Emma weeps softly as Jekyll dies, finally free of Hyde's evil control ("Finale").**

**This is from Wikipedia**

* * *

_Chapter 13: In which we watch Jekyll And Hyde...and Emma goes homicidal:_

_(One day later...And the POTO people have just watched Love Never Dies)_

Erik: (twitching) I'm now scarred for life...AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Me: I didn't want to watch it! I said it was bad but _no!_ You said you could _handle_ it!

Gustave: *eye twitch* So explicit...so, so explicit.

Raoul: I can't believe you cheated on me!

Christine: That was like 14 human years ago!

Me: How old are you?

Christine: Like 26.

Gustave: *almost throws up*

Christine and Erik: THAT DID NOT HAPPEN! MUSICAL CHARACTERS DON'T AGE!

Meg: Well...

Christine: I'm still not talking to you!

Meg: Just because I look like that actress who played me doesn't mean I killed you!

Christine: Well you could tell yourself that when you tried to kill my son,_ shot me_, and left me bleeding out on the floor.

Me: And yet you wasted all your energy singing...

Christine: *glare*

Madame Giry: I am not that kind of mother either!

Everyone: Sure...

Meg: And I would never stoop down low enough to become a strip-

Madame Giry: And I would never let you, do that!

Everyone: Sure...

Raoul: And I'm am not a wife-beater or a drunk!

Me: But you still couldn't win a poker game to save your life.

Raoul: He-

Me: I will wax the rest of the hair off your body, if you say one more word.

Raoul: Taire up, demon.

Me: What does that mean?

Gustave: It means shut up in French. Shouldn't you know that?

Me: I'm not French.

Christine: Well, you should at least know that if you're supposed to help us. And you scarred us, instead!

Me: Hey! I wasn't the one who went to a place called Phantasma, and freaked out when the Phantom was there! Even I'm not that stupid.

Christine: I never did that!

Me: Well you did Beneath a Moonless Sky!

Gustave and Raoul: (cough and writhe on the floor)

Christine:...

Erik:...

Gustave: You made a _doll_ of _Mom_?

Erik: _Sculpture._ It was a _sculpture._

Raoul: And you sang to it?

Erik:...

Me: (looks at wrist) Ohhhh, look at the time! Its getting late. Time to go home.

Everyone: Ditto

(Everyone leaves in opposite directions)

* * *

(The next evening)

Me: (reading in my bloomers...I do everything in those things)

Gustave: (texting)

Erik: (Composing)

Johanna, who is now living with us: (Tutoring Oliver, The Artful Dodger, Toby, and Gavroche in Math, since I stink at it)

Doorbell: (Overture plays)

(No one gets it)

Me: KNOCK, KNOCK! WHO'S THERE?

Voice: FRENCH REVOLUTION!

Me: *runs to the door and opens it* Hey guys! (Les Misians,POTO people, Sweeney Todd gang, and Oliver! Cast walk in with pizzas)

Erik: (bangs and ugly chord on the organ) What are these people doing here?

Me: Movie Marathon, remember? Tonight is Jekyll and Hyde...Where are they?

Enjolras: Ohh, they're over here. (drags them out)

Hyde: I never wanted to be here!

Emma who snapped out of her hippiness...for now: Neither did I!

Lucy: (being held by Courfeyrac) Get your filthy hands off me, you son of a b-

Me: (Grabs pizza) TO THE TV!

* * *

_(Ten minutes later)_

Utterson: There's a movie made about our lives?

Me: Many. But not all of it. Just the Jekyll/ Hyde part of it.

Utterson: (dumps Danvers' phone into the punch)

Danvers: HEY!

Utterson: No more Facebook for you, man.

Eponine: Shh, the movie is starting!

Screen Utterson: (Narrates)

Oliver: What is he saying?

Lucy: Rich people stuff.

(Screen-Jekyll comes on, holding this old guy's hand, who's lying on the ground)

Jekyll: That doesn't look like me!

Me: Because your version is not child-appropriate.

Hyde: Yes, it is! There's nothing wrong with it!

Me: Oh really?

Gustave: (Pauses movie)

Me: (shows them the revamped Jekyll and Hyde teaser, and a Dangerous Game. Seriously...They, like, destroyed it.)

Fantine: (covers Little Cosette's eyes)

Sweeney: (gaping)

Me: (Turns off phone.) That's why we can't watch your version.

Lucy: I look like Red Rat me.

Sweeney: Dude...

Valjean: See? Even the Demon Barber on Fleet Street thinks that was weird.

Sweeney: (To Hyde) You were so lucky, man! (high fives)

Everyone: (jaws-drop) That wasn't the point...

Sweeney: No, seriously. He got to hang with that fine cut of meat. All I got was that old crone, thanks to that perv.

Tupline:...

Mrs. Lovett: HEY!

Lucy: I'm going home, now...

Me: (grabs her arm) No, your not.

Screen Jekyll: I can save him!

Mrs. Lovett: Is he sleeping?

Mme. Thenaidier: Looks like it. Is he suppose to be insane.

Jekyll: I blame him entirely, for what happened.

Jekyll's Dad: It wasn't my fault for being insane!

Glossop: Sure...

Screen Ensemble: THERE'S A FACE THAT WE WEAR, IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY!

Screen Carew: IT'S SOCIETY'S MASK! ITS SOCIETY'S WAY!

Screen Danvers, Carew and Village man#1, who is awesome: AND THE TRUTH IS THAT ITS ALL A FACADE!

Every poor person: PREACH IT, BROTHAS! PREACH IT!

Erik: The story of my life, man.

Screen Ensemble: NEARLY EVERYONE YOU SEE, LIKE HIM AND HER, AND YOU AND ME PRETENDS TO BE A PILLAR OF SOCIETY!

Lucy: Yep.

J+H Lucy: !? Who is that?

Sweeney: That's my wife.

Gustave: There's two Lucy's?

Me: Yes.

Screen Ensemble: SO WE STAY ON OUR GUARD! THOUGH WE LOVE THE FACADE! WHAT'S BEHIND THE FACADE! LOOK BEHIND... THE FACADE!

Toby: Maybe your ensemble is poor because they spent all their money on voice lessons instead of food.

Sweeney: Aren't you supposed to be insane?

Toby: Aren' t you?

Sweeney: I'm a psycho-path. Not insane.

Mrs. Lovett: You are, man. You just are.

Sweeney: At least I didn't bake people into meat pies.

Mrs. Lovett: Well...you killed them!

Sweeney: For good-natured revenge.

Mrs. Lovett: You threw me in an oven!

Sweeney: Because you lied to me!

Mrs. Lovett: I told you Lucy had poisoned herself. I never said she died. Did I?

Sweeney: ...Well... You tricked me into killing her!

Mrs. Lovett: I never told you to!

Me: Zip it, lock it, and put it in your pocket! Both of you!

* * *

Screen Stride: Proposal 929. Proposed by Dr. Henry Jekyll.

Marius: You asked them 929 times, and they still said no?

Hyde: Pretty much.

Combeferre: You need to stop, man.

Screen Jekyll: Each of us is the embodiment of two distinct and opposing forces - good and evil - each fighting for supremacy inside us. If we could separate these two forces, we could control and ultimately eliminate all evil from mankind. My experiments have convinced me that the day is not far off when this separation will be possible. To achieve it, I must be allowed to try my formula on a living human being.

Everyone: What?

Screen Jekyll:THERE ARE DOOMED, BROKEN SOULS  
IN A THOUSAND ASYLUMS  
LEFT THERE TO ROT  
FOR THE LACK OF A PLAN!  
IN THE NAME OF COMPASSION  
AND MEDICAL SCIENCE,  
I CAN SAVE MANY LIVES  
IF YOU GIVE ME ONE MAN! .

Everyone: Ohhh, now I get it.

Bishop of Baringstroke: THE CHURCH WILL NEVER SACTION IT!

Toby: Why would you of all people care?

Bishop B: ...

Screen Jekyll: If I ever needed further justification for my experiments, gentlemen, you have just provided it!  
JUST LOOK AT WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE!  
MIX ANGER WITH A TOUCH OF FEAR  
THE DANGER'S ALL TOO CRYSTAL-CLEAR  
JUST LOOK AT YOU -  
OUR DARKER SIDE KEEPS BREAKING THROUGH  
OBSERVE IT NOW - IN MAN AND YOU!  
THE EVIL THAT ALL MEN CAN DO  
MUST BE CONTROLLED!  
I BEG OF YOU  
I'LL SHOW YOU ALL  
IT CAN BE DONE!

Everyone else: No...It can't.

Screen Governors: NAY, NAY NAY!

Hyde: And yet you wonder why you all died.

* * *

JEKYLL  
I can't afford caution!  
BUT HOW CONTINUE ON  
WHEN THEY CAN BLOCK EACH STEP I TAKE?

Marius: What you're doing is stupid.

Me: See? Even the fops agree!

Marius, Stride, Raoul, and Erik: WE ARE NOT FOPS!

UTTERSON  
HENRY, YOU HAVE COME THIS FAR  
REMEMBER WHAT YOU HAVE AT STAKE!

JEKYLL  
JOHN, I KNOW I'M RIGHT!  
I HAVE LET MY VISION GUIDE ME  
I'M SO WEARY OF THIS FIGHT  
THERE'S SO LITTLE LEFT INSIDE ME.

Christine: Then stop.

Jekyll and Hyde: Over our father's dead body.

Jekyll's Dad: HEY!

UTTERSON  
IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE RIGHT  
THEN YOU'VE GOT TO SEE IT THROUGH  
YOU'VE GOT TO SEE IT THROUGH!

Madame Giry: Stop encouraging him!

JEKYLL  
SEVEN YEARS AGO  
I STARTED OUT ON THIS ALONE AND NOW I MUST SEE IT THROUGH TO ITS CONCLUSION!

Erik: What a waste of seven years.

Me: And I thought I had no life.

Hyde: What?

Me: Nothin'

WHO ARE THEY TO JUDGE WHAT I AM DOING?  
THEY KNOW NOTHING OF THE  
ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES I SEE!  
IT'S LUDICROUS  
I'M BOUND BY THEIR DECISION

UTTERSON  
SEEMS VISION IS A WORD  
THEY'VE NEVER HEARD!

Enjolras: I think the problem is that they have vision. Really, really good vision.

Hyde: As if your plan was any better.

Enjolras: (growls)

JEKYLL  
IF IT MATTERED LESS,  
I'D TREAT IT WITH DERISION  
IT'S ABSURD!

UTTERSON  
(smiling)  
AND YET THE FACT REMAINS  
THOSE BASTARDS HOLD THE REINS!

Board of Governors: WE ARE NOT!

Granatire: That's a matter of opinion.

* * *

Screen Ensemble: HERE TONIGHT IT'S FESTIVE  
BUT THE GUESTS ARE GETTING RESTIVE  
'CAUSE THE GUEST OF HONOR'S  
CAUSING A DILEMMA!

DOCTOR JEKYLL'S TARDY  
FOR HIS OWN ENGAGEMENT PARTY  
HIS BETROTHAL TO  
SIR DANVERS' DAUGHTER, EMMA!

(Emma walks in)

Lucy: You were engaged? Why didn't you tell me?

Jekyll: You never asked.

SAVAGE  
Who does this Jekyll feller think he is?

GLOSSOP  
Impertinence like that in the Army would've earned him a good flogging!

BISHOP  
He's lucky he lives in modern times. Today's penalties for heresy are not what they should be!

UTTERSON  
We're lucky that we have you to represent modern times, Your Grace.

SAVAGE  
I think Jekyll overdoes all this stuff about helping the poor. I've lived in St. James' all me life. Damned if I've ever seen a pauper, let alone a madman!

Joly: Probably because you were rich.

LADY BEACONSFIELD  
I think he's mad, if you must know. Ah, Danvers, we're talking about your future son in law! And I think you're mad to allow him to marry your daughter!

Granatire: If you hate the guy, why come to his engagement party?

Jekyll: Why did you invite them, anyway?

Danvers: ...

Board of Governors: We came for the drinks.

EMMA has been chatting with a nearby group of GUESTS, and now spins around.

EMMA  
That's not father's decision, Lady Beaconsfield - its mine!

DANVERS  
Don't worry, Bessie. Whatever your views on him as a scientist, Emma assures me that Henry Jekyll is impeccable husband material!

Hyde: How fitting! You're nicknamed after a cow.

Beaconsfield: (slaps the back of his head.)

LADY BEACONSFIELD  
It's less than impeccable to be late for one's own engagement party. Shows a remark-able lack of style!

EMMA  
Comments on style, Madam, should never be made by those who have none.

Johanna, Cosette, Azemla, Eponine, Musichetta, Lucy and Me: OHHH! BURN!

(Stride walks in)

Emma, Jekyll and Hyde: Why did you invite _him_?

Emma: He's been after me for years.

Danvers: Oh, look. A rat.

(Twenty minutes later)

Screen Jekyll and Emma: TAKE ME AS I AMMMMMM!

Everyone: (Covers ears) GAHHHH! MAKE IT STOPP!

Barricade Boys and Valjean: They're just as bad as Cosette and Marius.

Cosette and Marius: HEY!

* * *

(After Letting Go)

Emma: I leave for _five minutes_, after proclaiming my love for you, and you go to a brothel, on the East End, and _drink_?

Jekyll: ...(pointing a finger at John Utterson) He made me do it!

Utterson: Don't be throwing me under the bus!

Emma: WHAT!

Screen ensemble: HERE IN LONDON'S EAST END ITS THE PITS OF THE EARTH-

Lucy: I feel ya, my brothas!

Erik: His ghetto-ness is contagious!

Screen ensemble: ITS THE DEVILS BACKYARRD!

Lucy: Hey. Look at me in the Red Rat. And now Gwinny is yelling at me.

Gwinny: The Spider told me to.

Erik: What kind of name is that?

Gwinny and Lucy: (Shrug)

Gustave: (looks at Gwinny and Beaconsfield) You guys are the same woman, aren't you?

Gwinny and Beaconsfield: (blanch) No...say one more word, and your dead.

Screen Lucy: LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME WHO I AM! WHY I AM! WHAT I AM! (slips off her dress, to reveal a leather bathing suit)

Men: (drool)

Women: (slap their men)

Lucy: (turns red) That was on tape?

Screen Lucy: NOBODY KNOWS! NOT EVEN YOU! NO ONE KNOWS WHO I A-

(gets on stage with other actors and begins to sing "Good and Evil")

Fantine: (Covers Mini Cosette's eyes and ears)

Men: (drool even more)

Females: (slap them in the face, multiple times)

Lucy: I hate my job.

(Spider slaps Lucy)

Lucy: Where is the Spider?

Gwinny: Prison.

Screen Jekyll: It's a lovely face. You should take care of it.

Emma: (seethes)

LUCY  
Actually, I'm in between engagements at the Royal Albert Hall...so this is your lucky night!

LUCY  
HERE'S TO THE NIGHT!  
HERE'S TO ROMANCE!  
TO THOSE UNAFRAID  
OF TAKING A CHANCE!

JEKYLL  
(with a rueful smile)  
I THINK I'VE TAKEN ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY!  
AND I HAVE LEARNED TO MY COST  
CHANCES ARE SOMETHING YOU DON'T TAKE  
ONCE YOU HAVE LOST!

LUCY  
OH, WHAT A SHAME!  
IF YOU ONLY KNEW  
THE GAMES WE COULD PLAY  
THE THINGS WE COULD DO!  
YET I CAN SEE  
YOU'RE NOT UP TO THE CHASE!  
BUT, IF YOU'RE EVER IN NEED,  
I AM THE GIRL! -  
AND THIS IS THE PLACE! -  
COME TO ME!

JEKYLL  
(Looks at his watch)  
IT'S GETTING LATE  
I HAVE TO GO  
IF ANY TIME  
YOU NEVER KNOW  
YOU NEED A FRIEND

Enjolras: FRIEND-ZONED!

(He takes a visiting card out of his pocket and presents it to her. SHE is flattered and thrilled)

LUCY  
(impressed)  
Doctor Henry Jekyll, 46 Harley Street.

Emma: YOU GAVE HER YOUR ADDRESS?!

Me: Lets fast forward before Emma murders someone

* * *

(Fast-forwards to This is the Moment)

Lucy: Cool lab.

Me: (Singing along) THIS IS THE MOMENT! DAMN ALL THE ODDS! THIS DAY OR NEVER, HE'LL RUN HIMSELF RON-SHOD!

Jekyll: HEY!

Gustave: It's true, man.

Me: You killed a bunch of people.

Sweeney: But not as many as me.

Hyde: At least I used my hands.

Sweeney: My deaths were quick and painless.

Hyde: Can't agree with that one, Sherlock. Causing pain is fun.

Screen Jekyll: LIKE A WARNING LIGHT  
GLIMMERING IN RED  
LIKE CRIMSON BLOODSHED  
SHIMMERING IN RED!

Erik: And I thought _I was insane_

BEAUTIFUL AND STRANGE  
SEE THE COLORS CHANGE  
BEFORE MY EYES!  
SEE HOW THEY DANCE  
AND THEY SPARKLE  
LIKE DIAMONDS AT NIGHT!  
LEADING ME OUT OF THE  
DARKNESS AND INTO THE LIGHT!

Mr. Thenaider: Is he singing about drugs?

Legles: To drugs. He's singing _to_ the drugs.

Me: Jekyll, I was wrong about you.

Jekyll: Yes. Yes, you were.

Me: You lost your mind, _waaayy_ before this experiment.

Screen Jekyll: (Injects himself)

Javert: Well, that was smart.

Screen Jekyll: (Starts to laugh like a crazy person)

Fantine: Well, he's lost it, completely.

Utterson: Wow...I owe Carew _sooo_ much money.

Screen Jekyll: (turns into Hyde)

Hyde: Yay! That's me!

Fantine: Okay... I'm never getting medicine from you again.

Screen Hyde: WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTT-

Azelma: Well that's a long note.

Fantine: (Covers Mini Cosette's eyes and ears)

Screen Hyde: TTTTTT IS THIS FEELING OF POWER AND DRIVE! IVE NEVER FELT, FELT SO ALIVE!

Me: ITS LIKE HE'S GOING INSANE, YEAH, YEAH!

Erik: NO RIHANNA IN THE LAIR!

Gustave: WE SHOULD REALLY STOP SPEAKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS!

All three of us: FINE!

Lucy, and Red Rat girls: Why are we dancing like that in the back-round?

Me: You don't want to know.

Lucy:...

Screen Hyde: ITS THE FEELING OF BEING EDWARD HYYYDDDDEEEEEE! (grabs Lucy, and blackout)

Emma: That's it, she's dead.

Musichetta, I think that's how you spell it.: (holds Emma back) Let's not jump to conclusions.

Hyde: Nope, she's right. Lucy and I h-

Fantine: Ohh look, the next scene.

* * *

(Six weeks later...scene-wise)

JEKYLL  
JOHN, I DON'T NEED YOU  
TO TURN ON ME AS WELL!  
MORE THAN EVER NOW I NEED A FRIEND!  
CAN'T YOU SEE AND DON'T YOU KNOW  
I'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL?  
DON'T CONDEMN WHAT YOU DON'T COMPREHEND!

Utterson: Why did I ever encourage you?

UTTERSON  
HENRY, I'M NOT QUESTIONING YOUR MOTIVES HERE!  
BUT IS WHAT YOU ARE SEEKING WORTH THE PRICE?  
YOU'VE TURNED YOUR BACK ON EVERYTHING  
YOU ONCE HELD DEAR  
YOU'RE CHOOSING TO IGNORE  
YOUR FRIEND'S ADVICE!

(UTTERSON turns and walks away. EACH MAN is left alone with his thoughts. We stay with BOTH of them, separated)

UTTERSON  
YOU HAVE YOUR WORK  
AND NOTHING MORE! YOU ARE POSSESSED  
WHAT IS YOUR DEMON?  
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THIS WAY BEFORE  
YOU'VE LOST THE FIRE  
YOU BUILT YOUR DREAM ON!

THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE  
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG  
I SEE A CHANGE  
IT'S LIKE WHEN HOPE DIES.  
I WHO HAVE KNOWN  
YOU FOR SO LONG  
I SEE THE PAIN  
IN YOUR EYES

UTTERSON  
THERE WAS A TIME YOU  
LIVED YOUR LIFE  
AND NO ONE LIVED  
THE WAY THAT YOU DID!  
YOU HAD A PLAN  
YOU CHOSE A WIFE  
YOU SAW YOUR WORLD  
AS VERY FEW DID!

Fagin: That is the nicest way to call someone crazy.

JEKYLL  
HAVE  
I  
BECOME  
MY  
WORK  
AND  
NOTHING  
MORE?

Fantine: Yes you have.

UTTERSON  
YOU HAD IT ALL  
THE OVERALL!  
YOU SEEMED TO KNOW  
JUST WHAT TO LIVE FOR!  
BUT NOW IT SEEMS  
YOU DON'T AT ALL!  
YOU HAVE YOUR WORK  
NOTHING MORE

JEKYLL  
I  
KNOW  
THAT'S  
NOT  
WHAT  
I'M  
LIVING  
FOR!...

(The lights cross-fade to where EMMA and SIR DANVERS are discussing JEKYLL).

EMMA  
FATHER, YOU KNOW HENRY WON'T JUST WALK AWAY  
THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS IS STRAIGHT AHEAD!

Billy Stikes: He's stock-raving mad.

DANVERS  
EMMA, YOU'VE NOT HEARD A SINGLE WORD I'VE SAID  
MY FEAR IS HE'S IN OVER HIS HEAD!  
HE COULD LOSE CONTROL - AND THAT I DREAD!  
THERE HAS BEEN TALK - THEY SAY HE'S GONE TOO FAR!  
HE'S LOCKED HIMSELF AWAY  
IN HIS OWN WORLD -  
PURSUING THIS INSANITY ...

Jekyll: Thanks a lot, _Dad!_

EMMA  
(Passionately)  
IT IS HIS WORK!

DANVERS  
(Just as passionately)  
IT'S MORE THAN WORK!

EMMA  
WORK!

DANVERS  
HE IS OBSESSED!  
THE MAN IS DRIVEN!

Everyone: That's like calling him crazy...which he is.

Jekyll: HEY!

Hyde: It's true, though.

Jekyll: Yeah...

EMMA  
JUST GIVE HIM TIME I ASK NO MORE!  
HIS WORK'S A CRIME TO BE FORGIVEN!

Emma: I should have just broken off the engagement while I still had the chance.

DANVERS  
THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE  
UNLESS I'M BLIND  
I SEE A CHANGE OF A BIZARRE KIND!

EMMA  
THERE'S NOT AT ALL! -DON'T BE UNKIND!  
THE PROBLEM'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!

Eponine: You are either very understanding, or more oblivious than Marius.

Nancy: I agree with both.

(The lights create another transition in space, isolating the FOUR SINGERS from one another through the conclusion of the scene)

DANVERS  
HE HAS HIS WORK  
AND NOTHING MORE!  
HE IS OBSESSED -  
THE MAN IS DRIVEN

Jekyll: Aren't you supposed to be helping me?

UTTERSON  
HAVE  
YOU

BECOME

JEKYLL  
EMMA...

EMMA  
JUST GIVE HIM TIME -  
I ASK NO MORE!  
HIS WORK'S A CRIME  
TO BE FORGIVEN

UTTERSON  
YOUR  
WORK  
AND  
NOTHING  
MORE?

JEKYLL  
EMMA...

DANVERS  
HE'S CHASING DREAMS  
HE'LL NEVER FIND!  
I SEE A CHANGE OF A  
BIZARRE KIND!

UTTERSON  
I  
KNOW  
THAT'S  
NOT  
WHAT  
YOU'RE  
LIVING  
FOR.

JEKYLL  
EMMA...

EMMA  
THERE'S NOT AT ALL! -  
DON'T BE UNKIND!  
THE PROBLEM'S ALL IN  
YOUR MIND!

JEKYLL  
EMMA...

EMMA  
STILL I PRAY  
EVERY DAY  
HENRY MAY  
FIND HIS WAY.  
I PRAY HE  
MAY FIND  
HIS WAY

DANVERS  
EVERY DAY

I PRAY HE  
MAY FIND  
HIS WAY

UTTERSON  
I PRAY  
HENRY MAY  
FIND HIS WAY.

FIND  
YOUR  
WAY

JEKYLL  
I  
PRAY  
I  
MAY  
FIND  
MY  
WAY

EMMA  
I WILL PRAY  
EVERY DAY  
HENRY MAY  
FIND HIS WAY  
I PRAY  
HE MAY  
FIND HIS WAY

DANVERS  
I PRAY  
YOU MAY  
FIND YOUR WAY

UTTERSON  
I WILL PRAY  
EVERY DAY  
YOU TWO MAY  
FIND YOUR WAY  
FIND YOUR WAY

JEKYLL  
I  
PRAY  
I  
MAY  
FIND  
MY  
WAY.

Rose: You people can sing, man!

Everyone in that song: Thank you!

Poole: (leads Lucy in)

Emma: Aw, come on! How many more scenes does she have?

Me: (counts on my fingers) About seven.. Which is three more scenes that you.

Emma: Grrr...

(Lucy undoes her top)

Screen Jekyll: Good God, what is that?

Hyde: Her back.

Lucy: That was all your fault.

Hyde: Fish gotta swim.

Screen Lucy: SYMPATHY - TENDERNESS  
WARM AS THE SUMMER  
OFFER ME THEIR EMBRACE.  
FRIENDLINESS - GENTLENESS  
STRANGERS TO MY LIFE  
THEY ARE THERE IN HIS FACE.

GOODNESS AND SWEETNESS  
AND KINDNESS  
ABOUND IN THIS PLACE...  
I AM IN LOVE  
WITH THE THINGS THAT I SEE  
IN HIS FACE...  
IT'S A MEMORY I KNOW  
TIME WILL NEVER ERASE

(Lucy kisses Jekyll)

Emma: (lunges at Lucy) I'M GONNA RIP YOUR THROAT OUT!

Jekyll: Two girls are fighting over me. This is a dream come true.

Lucy: (punches Emma's stomach)

Emma: (Socks Lucy's neck)

Valjean: SOMEONE TEAR THESE TWO APART! THIS IS A MOVIE, NOT A CIRCUS!

Me: Valjean... I will hurt you.

(Musichetta and Azelma tear Emma off Lucy, who has a black eye. Emma has a bloody head, messy, muddy hair, and a swollen cheek)

Lucy: (spits blood onto the floor) You're a crazy woman!

Emma: (thrashing wildly, and baring her teeth) GAHHHHH!

Lord Savage: Never mind what I said before. I've seen a madman, now. And I didn't even have to go to the slums.

Screen Lucy: BUT IF SOMEONE LIKE YOU! FOUND SOMEONE, LIKE ME! THEN SUDDENLY, NOTH-

Me: Let's fast-forward, so Emma doesn't kill Lucy, before the end of Act One.

* * *

Joly: That's disgusting.

Enjolras: You are a shame to all men, Baringstroke.

Girls: Perv.

Fantine: (begins to swear at him, while covering Mini Cosette's eyes and ears)

Hyde: ANIMALS TRAPPED BEHIND BARS IN A ZOO, NEED TO RUN RAMPAND AND FREEE! PREDATORS LIVE ON THE PREY THEY PURSUE! THIS TIME THE PREDATORS ME!

Everyone: KILL HIM! KILL HIM!

Board of Governors: Wow. Angry mob...'

Hyde: I'LL LIVE ON FOREVER! WITH SAAATTTAAAANNN HIMSELF BY MY SIDE! AND I SHOW THE WORLD THAT TONIGHT AND FOREVER! THE NAME TO REMEMBERS THE NAME EDWARD HYYYDDDEEEE! (pours achohol on Baringstroke's unconscious body)

Toby: What is that?

Oliver: Yeah... Is it water?

Me: You'll see...(bumps fists with Nancy and Lucy)

Screen Hyde: IT'S THE FEELING OF BEING EDWARD HHYYYYDDDDEEEEE! (lights his body on fire)

Bishop B: Ahhhh!

Everyone: (Standing ovation) Yesss!

Billy Stikes: Finally! A murder!

Fagin: Intermission. Going to get some more drinks

* * *

NEWSBOY:  
Read about the 'ideous murder,  
Profane, religious murder!

Fantine: (Covers Mini Cosette's eyes and ears)

FIRST GENTLEMAN:  
The poor old bishop,  
What a shock!

STREET VENDOR:  
Seen walkin' wiv 'is daughter,  
A moment prior to slaughter!

NEWSBOY:  
The shepherd tendin' to 'is flock!

Johanna: Oh please.

CROWD:  
'E died in a London slum -  
A slave to martyrdom -  
'E died without complaint! -  
'E should be made a saint! -

'E's gone back 'ome to God! -  
It all seems very odd! -  
Why should it be,  
This mystery? -

Joly: He'll be lucky, to go to hell, at this point.

Murder, murder -  
In the night air!  
Murder, murder -  
It's a nightmare!  
Murder, murder -  
It's a right scare,  
Bloody murder  
In the night!

Murder, murder -  
Makes your heart thump!  
Murder, murder -  
Makes your nerves jump!  
Murder, murder -  
Makes your blood pump,  
Bloody murder  
In the night!

CONGREGATION:  
Dona Eis, Requiem

PRIEST:  
Sweet death has taken  
This brave man from us!

CONGREGATION:  
Requiem Aeternam

PRIEST:  
Friends, take what comfort  
That you can from us!

Antony: Man, that priest has pipes.

CONGREGATION:  
Dona Eis, Domine...

HYDE:  
General Glossop, I'm happy to inform you that you are relieved of your duties, sir. All of them! (stabs him with his own swordstick, in the throat)

Emma: YES! DIE, ALL YOU MISERABLE DREGS OF HUMANITY!

Sweeney: She's turning into me... and I have silver shaving knives for friends.

Me: That makes two dead.

A MAN:  
Look at this, another murder,  
Just like the other murder!  
That's poor old General Glossop, dead!

A BOY:  
Last week the bishop copped it!  
The bloke what done it 'opped it!  
That feller must be off 'is 'ead!

ANOTHER CROWD MEMBER:  
That's two in the last four days!  
This killer has fancy ways!

:  
To kill outside St. Paul's  
Requires a lotta balls!

Artful Dodger: *snickers*

Eponine: (elbows him)

:  
He hates the upper class!

:  
He must be on 'is arse!

CROWD:  
Who could he be?

THE BOY:  
Don't look at me!

CROWD:  
"Bloody murder  
In the night!"

Murder, murder -  
Doin' folks in -  
Murder, murder -  
Is the worst sin!  
Murder, murder -  
Has me screamin'  
"Bloody murder  
In the night!"

Murder, murder -  
Makes me blood thin!  
Murder, murder -  
Makes me 'ead spin!  
Murder, murder -  
Starts me drinkin'!  
Bloody murder  
In the night!"  
In the night!"

HYDE:  
Bessie, my love... You really should be more careful...wearing your real diamonds out on the street. (grabs her throat in one hand) You never know whom you might encounter! (Cuts off her head in two strikes, and tosses her diamonds to a poor beggar. Then he stabs Archibald Props)

Beaconsfield: Thanks Teddy, for trying so hard to save me.

Props: Me too..

Savage: ...

UPPER AND LOWER CRUST ON THE STREET:  
London has a killer on the loose!  
Could be a gang!  
Gotta get 'is 'ead inside a noose!  
The man must hang!

Granatire: How do they not notice that when Henry's gone, Hyde is there? Even when I'm drunk, I'm_ still_ not that stupid.

Townspeople: HEY!

CROWD:  
Maybe his nerve will fail him! -  
They've gotta try to nail him! -  
They've gotta trail an' jail him,  
Now!

Murder!  
No matter who we're blamin'  
Till they pull wot's-'is-name in,  
There's gonna be one flamin'  
Row!

Me: So much for the world remembering your name, Hyde.

Hyde: I left an impression, though.

Murder, murder -  
It's a curse, man!  
Murder, murder -  
It's perverse, man!  
Murder, murder -  
Nothing's worse than  
Bloody murder  
In the night!

HYDE:  
Bad news from God, Teddy! (breaks his neck, and throws his body onto a set of train tracks)

FIRST NEWSBOY:  
Read about the worst two murders - !

SECOND NEWSBOY:  
Much worse than the first two murders!

CROWD:  
That makes it murders three and four!  
(VARIOUSLY)  
They've murdered dear old Bessie! -  
I hear it extremely messy! -  
And poor old Archie is no more! -

WOMAN:  
They say a lot of blood and gore!

ALL:  
That's four in the last eight days!  
It's London's latest craze!

SECOND NEWSBOY:  
this time 'e was in Perk Lane!  
An' 'e may come back again!

WOMEN:  
Until the killers found,  
There's danger all around!

CROWD:  
What can we do?  
What can we do?  
What can we do?  
We wish we knew!

CROWD:  
Catchin' such a madman could be hard! -  
He'll kill! -  
At will! -  
Cos they're all so thick at Scotland Yard! -  
No brains! -  
No skill! -

Hyde: No kidding.

ALL:  
He'll kill us, if we let him!  
They'd better go and get him!

I know a way to net him! -  
How?

Murder!  
No matter who we're blamin'  
Till they pull wot's-'is-name in,  
There's gonna be  
There's gonna be  
There's gonna be a flamin'  
Row!

Murder, murder -  
Or our doorstep!  
Murder, murder -  
So watch your step!  
Murder, murder -  
Take one more step,  
You'll be murdered  
In the night!

Murder, murder -  
Once there's one done -  
Murder, murder -  
Can't be undone!  
Murder, murder -  
Lives in London! -  
Bloody murder  
In the night!  
In the night!

(Hyde pops out, covered in blood with a sword, ready to plunge it in everyone's back.)

* * *

(Screen Emma is snooping in Jekyll's diary)

Rose: Seriously? Why are you reading his diary?

Jekyll: Its a _scientific journal_, not a diary. Get it right.

Me: Tomato, _tomato._

Screen Emma: ONCE UPON A DREAM!

Rose: Check it out! You finally have a solo!

(one minute later)

Emma: That's it? Lucy has gotten three solos already, and I get _that!?_

Me: Pretty much.

Emma: I'm sending a strongly worded letter to Frank Wildhorn.

Mrs. Lovett: You should. He potrayed you all wrong, girl. You're crazier than Lucy.

Lucy: Hey!

* * *

Screen Emma and Lucy: REMEMBER!

Rose: You guys sound really nice together...

Emma and Lucy: Yeah... I guess so...

Nancy: And yet no one finds it creepy that they're singing about the same man.

Me and Johanna: We find it creepy.

Sweeney: Are we ever going to watch my movie?

Me: Not a chance.

Sweeney Todd gang: *in a child's voice* But whhhyyy?

Me: Because Fantine would kill us.

Fantine: No, I wouldn't.

(I whisper the plot in her ear)

Fantine: Never mind. I would kill you.

Sweeney: That didn't answer my question.

Me: One; Johnny Depp and Helen Bonham Carter play Todd, and Lovett, and no one in there right mind would bash them-

Gustave: Since when were you in your right mind?

Me: (sharpens Sweeney's shaving knives) You using these?

Sweeney: Knock yourself out.

Me: Do you want a shave?

Christine: Nooooo! He doesn't.

Gustave: What's so bad about a Sweeney Todd shave?

Everyone: (laughs hysterically)

Erik: You really were raised by a fop!

Me: (Pauses movie and shows him 'Johanna' Quintet)

Gustave: (blanches)

Johanna: That's my Daddy- O for ya!

Screen Lucy and Emma: EVERYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR IS THERE, IN HIS...EYYYYEEEESSSSS!

Bosseat: Aww... we missed the duet.

Me: There's another one coming.

(Silence... for like three minutes...except for Emma's angry breathing)

Fantine: (Covers Mini Cosette's eyes and ears)

Cosette: Mom...Seriously?

Screen Lucy: (is being held in a strange way by Hyde) I FEEL YOUR FINGERS, COLD, ON MY SHOULDER! YOUR CHILLING TOUCH, AS IT RUNS DOWN MY SPINE! WATCHING YOUR EYES, AS THEY INVADE MY SOUL! FORBINDEN PLEASURES I'M AFRAID TO MAKE MINE!

Emma: (is duct taped to her chair) GRAAAHHHHHH!

Joly: I don't think this was a good idea.

Me: Just wait for a bit.

Screen Hyde, and Lucy: NO ONE SPEAKS, NOT ONE WORD! BUT WHAT WORDS ARE IN OUR EYES!

Nancy: They got that on tape?

Luy: Sadly yes.

Sweeney: You are still super lucky.

Screen Lucy, and Hyde: AND THE ANGELS PROCLAIM! ITS A DANGEROUS GAME!

* * *

(We actually stay quiet for one scene)

(Screen Utterson freaks out since he finds out J+H are the same person. Goes to the other part of town to warn an endangered Lucy)

JEKYLL  
COULD IT BE?  
HAVE I REALLY LOST MY WAY?

Javert: Yes. Yes you have.

HAVE I LOST MY MIND?

Marius: Pretty much.

WILL I LOSE THE DAY?

Oliver: By the way things are headed...

AM I A GOOD MAN?

Everyone: ?

AM I A MADMAN?

Everyone: Yep.

IT'S SUCH A FINE LINE  
BETWEEN A GOOD MAN AND A BAD...

Johanna: Not really.

SOMEHOW I HAVE TO GET BACK  
TO THE PLACE WHERE MY JOURNEY STARTED  
FIND THE COURSE I CHARTED  
WHEN I FIRST DEPARTED!

Granatire: What?

SOMEHOW I HAVE TO HANG ON  
TO THE VISION THAT FIRST INSPIRED ME  
TO THE HOPE THAT FIRED ME  
WHEN THE WORLD ADMIRED ME!

Gavroche: The world always hated you, brotha? Haven't you been listening at all?

I'LL FIND MY WAY BACK TO THE HIGHER GROUND-

Artful Dodger: You haven read the book, have you?

AND SEE THE VIEW 1 KNEW BEFORE!

Rose: Fat chance.

I'LL SEARCH THE WORLD UNTIL THE ANSWER'S FOUND  
TURN MY DESPAIR AROUND FOREVER MORE!

SOMEHOW I'VE GOT TO REBUILD  
ALL THE DREAMS THAT  
THE WINDS HAVE SCATTERED  
FROM FATE HAS SHATTERED  
I'LL RETRIEVE WHAT MATTERED!

SOMEHOW I'VE GOT TO GO ON  
TILL THE EVIL HAS BEEN DEFEATED  
TILL MY WORK'S COMPLETED  
I WILL NOT BE CHEATED!

GOD, YOU MUST HELP ME CARRY ON!  
WHEN IT SEEMS ALL HOPE HAS GONE  
I HAVE GOT TO CARRY ON!

(Passes out on the stage)

* * *

(We listen to a New Life. coughbestsongintheproductioncough) Seriously watch the 7 mi version with Coleen sexton. Its PERFECTION!

Screen Lucy: EACH DAY'S A BRAND NEW LIFFFEEEE!

Everyone: (claps) That was beautiful.

(Screen Lucy falls asleep)

(Screen Hyde walks in, and lights a match)

Gavroche: Did you light that with your clothes?

Hyde: I'm just that hot.

(Screen Hyde crumples up Jekyll's Letter Lucy got, and pockets the money.)

Screen Hyde: (sitting on the bed, with Lucy beside him) Come. No closer...closer...yes...

Johanna: DUDE! SHE WAS ALREADY SITTING IN YOUR LAP! WHAT DO YOU WANT HER TO DO, PHAZE THROUGH YOU?

She looks into his eyes, then slowly drags herself toward him. He reaches out and embraces her tightly, her head against his chest, tucked under his chin.

HYDE  
SYMPATHY - TENDERNESS  
WARM AS THE SUMMER  
OFFER ME THEIR EMBRACE.  
FRIENDLINESS, GENTLENESS,  
STRANGERS TO MY LIFE  
THEY ARE THERE IN THIS FACE.  
GOODNESS AND SWEETNESS  
AND KINDNESS ABOUND IN THIS PLACE.

A loud peal of thunder interrupts the song. LUCY remains frozen, trembling but entranced, as HYDE, in agonizing slow-motion, stabs her, first in the back then deeply into her stomach, then - almost like a slow caress - slits her throat. Finally, he releases her body, and it slumps back onto the bed, like a rag doll. HYDE stands and wipes the knife blade on the rumpled bedclothes. Suddenly, his body is shaken with spasm - then another and another. He falls to his knees, gasping for air.

He cries out in pain and braces himself against the bedstand, burying his face in the blood-stained sheets. A massive shudder passes through him; and, when he raises his bloodstained face, it is that of DOCTOR HENRY JEKYLL. He stands with difficulty, staring aghast at LUCY's contorted bloody form. Then he sees the long knife in his hand, and throws it away from him, as far as he can. He gazes down at the dead girl, unable to look away.

Wrapping the fog-colored cape, now stained with blood, around him, he plunges through the narrow door, and can be heard running down the hollow steps, out into the night. A long, low, distant roll of thunder - then "the angels" are heard, "weeping" - the innocent plaintive chant rises toward Heaven and blends with the thunder - and we are into -

Marius: Maybe if you hadn't sung that song, you would've gotten out alive.

Me and Johanna: (Attack Hyde)

Fantine: (Fast-forwards the entire Confrontation scene since Mini Cosette got freaked out. But she was calm at Lucy's death... Weird kid)

* * *

(At Jekyll's wedding)

Fantine: (Covers...You get should get it by now)

Screen Jekyll: (turns into Hyde, and kills Stride)

Danvers: Why where you even there? You weren't invited

Stride:...

(Hyde tries to break Emma's neck, but fails)

Cosette: You must have a strong neck.

Emma: GAHHHH! FILTHY MORTALS!

Screen Utterson: (points swordstick at Hyde/ Jekyll) I can't stab you!

Gavroche: Then why are you pointing that stick at him, yo?

Screen Jekyll: (falls on stick and dies)

Me: The end.

Barricade boys: (stretching) That was an interesting movie.

Johanna: You're up next for the grand finale of the movie nights. AT THE BARRICADES OF FREEDOM!

(They wheel Emma out, groaning)

Johanna: She's gonna be ok...right?

Me: Of course! What's the worse that could happen?

* * *

**Please R&R... BTW I just wrote another parody fic, called Phantastic Mr. Phantom, which is my take of how it went down...Check iy out!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry for the long update! I was on a block, and trying to get both my stories up to the same speed...I like everything to be equal., BTW, I'm changing Me to Rafiya...just because I can... AND NOW, PRESENTING FOR** THE** MILLIONTH TIME IN FANFICTION HISTORY...LES MISERABLES!**

* * *

_Chapter Fourteen: In which we capture the Amis, and get arrested._

_(The Next Day, at the Entrance to the Barricade):_

Me: (dressed like the Black Widow, because she can) Come out, already! It's not that bad!

Les Mis: NO!

Gustave: (dressed like a spy) It's not that bad!

Valjean: How would you like it if someone made a movie about _your_ life?

Gustave: Love Never Dies happened... that was based on my life.

Rafiya/ Me: No one cares about my life...

Barricade Boys: WORD!

Rafiya: Come out before we end up doing something unreasonable...

Enjolras: Over our dead bodies!

Gustave: Aren't you already dead?

Gav: Aren't you supposed to be 10?

Gustave: Touche.

Christine: So that would be a 'no'?

Granatire: HECK YES!

Rafiya: Then you leave us no choice...(signals to Christine) Christine... It's time.

Christine: (Dressed like Black Widow, too) Meg... Are all systems ready?

Meg: (Trying to hold a metal door closed, dressed like a spy) Yup.

Rafiya: Meg... Christine... UNLEASH THE FANGIRLS!

Meg: (lets go of the door, letting hundreds of crazed fangirls storm the barricade, with rope and duct tape)

Everyone inside the Barricade: SCREAMMMM! NOOOOOO!

Fanfiction Writers: (pull out computers, pens and paper)

Meg: Are you sure this is _absolutely_ safe?

(Screams, breaking, ripping and shouting can be heard, but there's a dust cloud blocking everything.)

Rafiya: Yeah... Sure it is... But its fun.

Christine: How did you get them to do it?

Rafiya: I invited them to the lair, for a party this weekend.

Christine: Erik's gonna kill you!

Rafiya: You pulled off his mask, and he didn't kill _you_.

Christine: Because I'm 17, and he was in love with me. He can't stand the sight of you... or Gustave.

Gustave: Mom... You're _17_? And I'm _14_?

Christine: Yeah... Musical characters don't age, remember?

Gustave: (throws up a little in his mouth) Then why did I age?

Rafiya: Because the Authoress willed it.

Fangirls: WE GOT 'EM! (come dragging Les Misians in rope nets, and in chains)

Rafiya: Great job, guys! Now we just have to do role call!

Meg: Role call?

Christine: Just to make sure that no one gets away...

Rafiya: (pulls out a checklist) Okay... lets start... Enjolras...

(Enjolras is dragged by in a net)

Enjolras: I'm gonna kill you, you little guttersnip-

Rafiya: Whatever... Gav, and Mini Cosette...

(Brought in in chains)

_Fifteen Minutes Later..._

Meg: I think that's everyone... time to lock and load!

Rafiya: I'm driving!

Christine: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Meg: (buckles her seat-belt) Yeah, you're like... barely 14?

Rafiya: (starts the car) Don't worry. I gots this!

* * *

_Ten minutes later..._

Rafiya: We're here! And with ten minutes to spare

Everyone: (clutching their seats for dear life)

Gustave: Check it out... My first terror sweat..

Meg: I can't remove my hands from the seat.

Christine: How did you cut an hour long journey into ten minutes?

Rafiya: (shrugs) I didn't take my foot off the gas pedal.

Meg: We are never letting you drive again!

Rafiya: (opens the door) I wasn't that _bad_...

Gustave: (kisses the ground) Land! Sweet solid land!

Rafiya: Stop being such a drama queen!

Gustave: There were like, seven police cars chasing us!

Rafiya: But we lost them when I ran them into that tree!

Meg: Where did you learn to drive?

Rafiya: Fast and Furious movies.

Everyone: *spazzes*

Rafiya: I'm joking!

Everyone: Good...

Rafiya: Hyde taught me...

Everyone; (mini seizure)

Police Sirens: (wail)

Meg: THEY'RE HERE! THE POLICEMEN OF THE OPPPERRRAAA!

Everyone: What?

Meg: Sorry.. force of habit. ITS THE FEDS!

Rafiya: HIDE!

Police: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!

Christine: Screw that!

Police: (tasers Christine)

Christine: (passes out)

Rafiya: (launches herself onto the policemen) FOR SPARTA!

* * *

(In the city jail)

Meg: You just _had_ to tazer that police guy...

Rafiya: Hey! At least I didn't try to bribe him with a donut, like _someone_ over there...

Gustave: I thought it would work!

Christine: (pets his head) What has Raoul done to you?

Enjolras: My head hurts.

Fantine: I'm starving...

Rafiya: Aww, shut it already! We all are.

Christine: (plops on the floor, humming) DON'T YOU EVER SAY! I'LL JUST WALK AWAY! I WILL ALWAYS WANT YOU!

POTO People: DON'T YOU EVER SAY! I'LL JUST WALK AWAY! I WILL ALWAYS WANT YOU!

Rafiya: I CAME IN LIKE A-

Everyone in the cell: WRECKING BALL! I NEVER HIT SO HARD BEFORE! I WANTED TO GO BREAK THE WALL! 'CAUSE ALL YOU DID WAS WRE-WRE-WRECK ME! WRE-WRE-WREC-

Javert: QUIET! (bangs baton-stick thingy)

Rafiya: How did you get out?!

Javert: I am the law! And it seems that you've been bailed out...

Gustave: By who?

(Erik walks in, looking super annoyed)

Gustave: Aw crud-sticks.

Erik: What the heck happened here?

Rafiya: An attempt at movie night...(does jazz hands) Ta-da!

Erik: (Unlocks the door) I'm too tired for this. Long story short: You are in so much trouble, all of you...except Christine.

Christine: (smiles)

Erik: (to the Amis) Why aren't you leaving?

Musichetta: The barricade got destroyed... so we're all homeless... can you-

Erik: NO!

Everyone: (nods their head yes)


End file.
